Author: admin

“You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair”. Douglas Macarthur

I have been feeling pretty good about aging lately: positive, looking forward to the journey ahead, especially motivated by my Israeli trip with adventure seeking 60 year olds.

Something happened last week that stopped me in my tracks. I had my twice yearly ophthalmologist check-up. (Because I was so nearsighted from the age of three, my optic nerves are large, which could be a precursor to glaucoma). So far so good, but I digress. Now that you are on the edge of your seat, here is what happened.

The millennial assistant was doing the pre-testing for my meeting with the doctor. She was honey this and sweetie that, and finally told me to go sit in the big gray chair and wait for the doctor. I have been going to the eye doctor my entire life and am very familiar with which chair is for the patient. This young woman spoke to me as if I were in kindergarten.

I may have silver hair, but my brain cells are still in tact, thank God. I don’t believe the woman meant any harm or that she was even aware that she was treating me in such a condescending manner, but I was very upset. I wanted to speak to her about it, but didn’t know quite what to say. I left feeling uncomfortable and decided to do some research on this whole ageist thing.

Immediately, I found examples of ageist speech and behaviors that are so common and well meaning that we may not even think much about them, but we should!

Birthday parties featuring black balloons and crepe paper with cards and gifts making fun of age, e.g. you old fart, dirty old man etc.

Commenting “you look good for your age”.

Describing minor forgetfulness as “senior moments”. More about that later…..

Commenting, “you’re still dancing (going to the gym, doing Zumba, wearing leggings). Aren’t you too old for that?

Health care providers and service people patronizing older people. Bingo!

What exactly is ageism? According to the World Health Organization, it is the stereotyping and discrimination against individuals and groups on the basis of their age; it can take many forms including prejudicial attitudes, discriminatory practices or instituting policies and practices that perpetuate these stereotypical beliefs.

Research suggests ageism may be more prevalent than sexism and racism. (Remember that every day 10,000 Americans turn 65 with numbers expected to rise as mortality rates decline).

Today’s society treats older people unfairly, lumping all age 65 and up into a group of old, frail, forgetful and sickly beings separate from the rest of society. Ageism has deeply permeated our culture. This has serious consequences for older people and for society at large.

However,most Americans and even older adults are not aware of ageism. Some older adults even accept that the discrimination they face is a normal part of being in the last stage of living (How terrible!)

Specifically, ageism in health care is adversely affecting our older adults and our society. According to the Journal of General Internal Medicine, one in five older adults experience age discrimination in ways described as follows:

Practitioners belittle gerontology and geriatrics as a profession. Negative thinking about working with this population hinders doctors from practicing in these areas ( why do you want to hear about aches and pains and constipation all day)

Undertreating older patients (it’s normal to be depressed because you are old; lumping all complaints into normal signs of aging) or over medicating is the opposite problem.

Ageist talk in the health care setting.

Lack of communication between doctor and patient. Doctors who engage in “elder speak” which is similar to baby talk with high pitched exaggerated tones and volume. (Talking down to patients assuming all are deaf and stupid). Or speaking to a third party in the room (an adult child, for example) as if the patient is not there. The indignity of it all!

Older adults who have a negative attitude toward aging can affect their health; they may live 7.5 years less than those with positive views. Ageism has been shown to cause cardiovascular stress, lower levels of self efficacy and decreased productivity.

What can we do to combat this type of discrimination. We need to change the focus. Aging should be considered in society as both a personal and shared resource and opportunity. This rethinking would allow us to view older Americans as central rather than marginal participants in our collective life as a nation. One study recommends developing informational tools and ways to help society reframe or change our understanding of the aging process. Changing the way we see aging, eg that developing dementia does not reflect normal aging.

We need to counter the outdated concepts of older people as burdens and acknowledge the wide diversity of experience in this population. We need communication campaigns in the media as a starting point.

For example, publicize the story of Grandma Joy, an 89 year old who visited 29 U.S. national parks with her grandson Brad, and who has no intention of stopping.

Highlight Road Scholar programs which attract travelers who are “lifelong learners typically,over 50 from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds. Students of the world, they are the guests you hope to sit next to at a dinner party. They have led interesting lives because they are interested in everything”.

The people I met on my trip to Israel were active, robust, healthy and inquisitive. There were no complaints about aches and pains or forgetfulness despite the fact that one couple was in their mid eighties. With their walking sticks, they kept up even at the Dead Sea where the weather was 106 degrees.

“So, the next time you find yourself standing in a room wondering what you came in for, do not say “I’m having a senior moment”. Cognitive decline is not a part of getting older. (You are probably experiencing mental overload from trying to juggle too many tasks and not getting enough quality sleep). Words are powerful. Don’t talk yourself into believing your brain is mush. Adopt an ageless and healthy mindset so that you can program your cells to be ageless and healthy too!” Dr. Christiane Northrop, Goddesses Never Age

Resources

www.roadscholar.org

www.seniorliving.org

Dangers of Ageism in Health Care Settings by Dr. Karen Ouchida and Dr. Mark Lam

Goddesses Never Age by Christiane Northrop, M.D.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully you leave something good behind.” Anthony Bourdain

I recently returned from Israel with my best friend. We made lasting memories. We ascended the ancient fortress of Masada and floated in the Dead Sea (the temperature was 106 degrees that day!). We explored the Israel Museum and walked through unique neighborhoods in Jerusalem. We explored thousands of years of history on our journey from the walls of Jerusalem’s Old City to a river cruise on the shores of the Galilee to beautiful beaches and vibrancy of Tel Aviv. We visited a local kibbutz and an army base on the Gaza Strip. It was awesome!

However, the highlights for me were meeting the experts chosen by Road Scholar who each offered his or her unique perspective on issues faced by Israelis both today, in the past and in the future.

We had a beautiful lunch on the patio of an Israeli woman who lived in Jerusalem with her husband, a rabbi and 10 children. She prepared a feast for us with delicious quiches, humus, Home made breads and Israeli salads. She explained that she lived among the Arabs, but that the Israeli children and Arab children attend separate schools and do not play together. Of course, we were upset by this segregation, but this is how each group prefers. The schools teach in Hebrew and Arabic respectively and the children learn about their own culture. At the university level, they come together.

In addition, we met with an Ethiopian Jewish immigrant who described her harrowing journey on foot from Ethiopia to Sudan with her family. Many of her group died en route due to lack of food, water and illness but she and her family were lucky. They made it to Israel and made a wonderful life for themselves. Today she is a grandmother and still works with Ethiopian immigrants, fiercely proud of her country Israel and thankful for the opportunities.

Another interesting speaker was an Arab journalist, who is an Israeli citizen. He offered his rather depressing but honest viewpoint that there is little hope for a lasting peace in the region because the Palestinian leaders are unwilling to negotiate or compromise with the Israelis. 100% or no deal.

I returned home just in time for Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year. Many people had told me that visiting Israel would be life changing. I came home with a renewed sense of Jewish identity and pride in being a part of the Jewish homeland.

After listening to the Rabbi’s words on this new year, I feel a desire to do my part to heal the world or at least my small corner of the world. On this holiday, we are challenged to step up and examine how we interact with the world. I am inspired to take a better look and reflect on the meaning of life. The Rabbi asked of us not only to hear the cries of the oppressed, but to do something about it. It can be as simple as bringing a meal to someone who has lost her husband or helping to feed the hungry at a soup kitchen (my next volunteer project).

The Rabbi also discussed respecting and talking to each other despite having different views. He distinguished between unity and uniformity. Unity is accepting that we may have different views, but can still communicate while uniformity is believing my view is correct and yours is wrong. Both Americans and Israelis/Arabs would do well to attempt this type of dialogue.

Anais Nin said “We travel some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls.” This sums up our desire to keep learning through experiences, to discover ourselves just as much, if not more than to discover new places.

Resources

www.roadscholar.org

www.expertvagabond.com

Normal life: I’ve been wearing the same cropped jeans for a week.

Packing for a vacation: I’ll probably change 3 times a day so 32 outfits should work.

If packing anxiety disorder is not in the DSM-IV, then it should be. I am a usually rational person that hates packing and leaves it all to the last minute. As a result, my anxiety increases as does the thought I will run out of time, resulting in my making poor packing decisions like packing too much or leaving out critical items. I know I am not alone because a google search showed lots of other people with the same affliction.

Some possible explanations set forth in Packing Anxiety Disorder. Yes it’s Real by Jennifer Dubow are the following:

Are we that attached to our things? Or do we just hate having to make choices? Are we worried that things we could buy over there are so bad e.g. do I need to bring a months worth of shampoo? Or we just don’t want to spend the money if we purchased those items here? Or more intriguing, are we afraid of the unknown? Do we use our clothes and toiletries as a security blanket that helps us feel more comfortable when traveling? It’s probably different for all of us.

My twin sister Jill had it bad. Part of the problem was she had too many clothes to choose from. (My daughter says that I am guilty too). Come to think of it, my mom who was not an anxious person under normal circumstances suffered as well. Could it be genetic?

My friend Rhoda despises packing in addition to having terrible anxiety about leaving her dog Beau home with a dog sitter. Last December I was present as she was packing for our Caribbean cruise. Each item of clothing she placed in the suitcase was removed by her goldendoodle puppy and placed on the floor. As you can imagine, the packing took hours!

My best friend Debby and I are leaving for Israel in a week and a half. I am in a panic and she is cool, calm and collected, having made lists of exactly what she is taking for each of the 11 days of our trip. I want to be Debby, not Penny.

Actually how people pack reveals more about what they’re made of than they realize. “Confidence, organizational skills, and vanity all play a role. The world is divided between those who bring along an umbrella and antibiotics just in case and those who laugh at them and pack light not worrying about things that could happen. You can always buy an umbrella.”

One such light packer advises to lay out everything you want to pack and then bring half. She adheres to a three color and three tops to one pair of pants regime and wisely believes comfy always trumps uber chic! My sentiments exactly!

In Packing Anxiety Tips by Marcia Byalik (Better After Fifty.com), she discusses her daughter’s method, who travels all the time. Her daughter starts making piles of clothes a few days before the trip and then curates as the days get closer. “Who gets to come with me, she asks the dwindling pile and strategically finds a cozy place in her suitcase.” I loved this idea of choosing your favorites to come, rather than randomly throwing items from the closet into the suitcase, my usual way of packing.

Online research provides a myriad of packing suggestions for those of us who dread the task. There are sites both reassuring and overwhelming dedicated to making packing less stressful. Some suggestions make sense and some are kind of brilliant like including a dryer sheet in your luggage to give your clothes a fresh, just washed smell; pack your shoes heel to toe on the bottom of your suitcase and tightly roll tee shirts and pants to prevent creasing (seems counterintuitive to me).

While these practical hints are helpful, I need to reorder my priorities to extinguish my packing anxiety. I realize that getting organized and being prepared is the best strategy for me. The time I will spend making lists is better than the hours I will spend with racing thoughts. Positive thinking is everything. Here I go….

When I take the suitcase out of the closet, I will stop and remember why I am packing—to explore Israel (my only bucket list item) with my best friend and make memories. I will feel excited and alive in a way that has nothing to do with my clothes or accessories! XO Penny

Resources

Packing Anxiety Tips by Marcia Byalik

Packing Anxiety Disorder. Yes, It’s Real by Jennifer Dubow

Beat Holiday Packing Anxiety elephantjournal.com

The Best Methods to Cope With Packing Anxiety by Erica Ho maphappy.org

Packing Anxiety by Laura Smith, PhD blogs.psychcentral.com

Life Is So Short

“We spend so much time sweating the small stuff; worrying, complaining, gossiping, comparing, wishing, wanting and waiting for something bigger and better instead of focusing on all the simple blessings that surround us everyday. Life is so fragile and all it takes is a single moment to change everything you take for granted. Focus on what’s important. You are blessed! Believe it! Live your life and leave no regrets”! Melanie Koulouris

Two incidents happened recently that reminded me of this post I had seen and shared on Facebook- silly, unimportant, trivial things which brings up the point that too many people do not live by this important philosophy.

First, my upstairs neighbor, Mr. Curmudgeon (not his real name), approached me to lament the fact that the grass in front of our condo building is yellow, due to too many dogs peeing there. He once told the board I was sneaking dogs into my unit when my daughter visited with her Beanie. He accused me then of getting another dog. We are allowed to have dogs! His second complaint was that the bushes in front of the other buildings are much nicer than ours and it’s not fair. He angrily said “and you don’t even care”. The truth is I had to agree with him. In the scheme of things, I don’t care!

Second, I was dining in a local restaurant with a good friend who is short on patience. She became irate because we waited for our first course and the second course was brought over before we had finished our soup, despite her warning the waitress that this would be unacceptable. The waitress was very accommodating and took back the second course until we were ready for it, after my friend had made her displeasure obvious. As an easy going person, I have trouble understanding this reaction—it’s only a meal. I told my friend life is too short to take issue with small things. I say it often now, but I was guilty of worrying about little things and wasting precious time until eleven years ago.

Watching my sister Jill fade away, month by month, week by week, and day by day, helpless to save her, changed me in so many ways. But most importantly, it changed my perspective on life. After she died, I refused to waste one more moment on worrying or sweating the small stuff.

Prior to that, I remember waking early every single Sunday when I began teaching ESL. Full of anxiety, I would take the entire day to plan lessons and obsess over which activity to do first, second, etc. As if my students would even know or care or judge my teaching style. What a terrible waste of time and energy! Time that I would never get back.

One year after Jill’s death, I visited a psychic medium Jeffrey Wand to help me communicate with my sister. What came through loud and clear was her advise to me to live my life and stop grieving for her because she was fine. She even had gotten her angel wings. (I believe. I believe.). More evidence from heaven to live in the moment!

I went back to the expert Richard Carlson who wrote “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”. A review of the table of contents demonstrates important advice on how to fix this problem we all have at times.

1. Ask yourself the question “will this matter a year from now?
2. Surrender to the fact that life isn’t fair.(I would tell my kids this ad nauseum).
3. imagine yourself at your own funeral.
4. Choose your battles wisely.
5. Choose being kind over being right.
6. Resist the urge to criticize.
7. Breathe before you speak
8. Become a less aggressive driver.
9. Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.
10. Count to ten.
11. Be flexible with changes in plans.
12. Quiet the mind.
13. Think of your problems as potential teachers.
14. Keep asking yourself “what’s really important”?
15. Live this day as if it were your last. It might be.

Ironically, Richard Carlson, motivational speaker, author and psychotherapist died at age 45 from a pulmonary embolism during a flight from San Francisco to New York to promote his new book.

Remember time comes and goes. You cannot bottle it or save it or get it back. Each moment passes one second at a time in front of you. You must choose how to spend it.

“So don’t waste a moment. Every moment counts. How we spend each day is sacred. Our mortality is a gift because it reminds us to live. Don’t wait another moment. Sing. Dance. Breathe. Live!” Aging Beautifully cards, Margaret Manning. XO. Penny

Coco Chanel said “a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” Hubert de Givenchy noted that “hairstyle is the final tip off whether or not a woman really knows herself”.

All I know for sure is that my twin sister and I were obsessed with hair styles. Jill wore her hair down to her shoulders and straight and I wore either a pixie cut or a short bob. We would purchase the latest hair magazines monthly and spend hours going through them together and cutting out pictures of styles we liked and wanted to try. We kept folders of our favorites (to this day I have hundreds of haircuts saved on Pinterest).

I was the brave one; I would actually bring a picture we had saved and try new styles. Jill, by contrast, would never change her style despite good intentions and piles of photos. She was afraid; she admitted her long hair was her security blanket and felt most comfortable that way. I guess she really knew herself. She finally cut her hair short before chemo in anticipation of it falling out, which it did. She looked beautiful to me in short hair or even bald.

Why are we obsessed with our hair? Hair is a multi billion dollar industry. We spend thousands of dollars per year on hair products and treatments to look good. Your hair is a reflection of your identity, values and personality and the first thing people notice about you.

Many women feel a bad hair day equals a bad day. There is a deep personal relationship between hair and self esteem which is evidenced through history. Hair is a symbol of femininity and the term crowning glory dates back to biblical times. “ But for a woman if her hair is abundant it is a glory to her…” 1 Corinthians 11:15.

What if as we age, it is not as abundant. What then? Denise McAdam, hairstylist to celebrities such as Jane Seymour and Céline Dion and the royal family reminds us that as we get older, our hair changes significantly. As our hormones shift during and after menopause, our hair weakens and goes from 3 layers to 2. This gives it a thinner appearance and makes it more likely to split and break. This is one reason that having long hair in your 60s or 70s takes a little extra effort. You may have to make a commitment to styling and buy a few extra products for volume.

Should we be wearing long hair at this age anyway? According to Allure Magazine, the archaic misconception that women can only wear a certain haircut at a suitable age is dead and gone. Despite what we were conditioned to believe, one’s ability to own a specific cut or style has absolutely nothing to do with age. There are other factors involved such as hair type, texture and face shape.

Have you been wearing the same style for ages? Are you ready to rock a new hairdo? I don’t know if it will change your life, but a new hairdo can accentuate features that you want people to focus on like high cheekbones, pretty eyes and full lips.

Try the following ideas:

1. Cut bangs: bangs are the most flattering on every face shape as long as they are done right. Fringe is ageless. The right bangs will open up your eyes, frame your cheekbones and make you look more refreshed (you thought I was going to say younger). Plus it’s a lot cheaper than Botox to hide pesky forehead lines. Ask your stylist for soft layered bangs more wispy than blunt.
2. Enhance body: flat straight hair will drag you down. Let your stylist open up your shape with layers to add swing and softness. Use products that add moisture and volume and reduce frizz.
3. Try a bob: the bob is classic for a reason; it works on everyone because there are so many variations. It doesn’t matter if you have fine hair (like me) or thick hair and it can be customized to your face shape (mine is an inverted bob which is shorter in the back and longer on the sides, flattering for a square face).
4. The lob is a longer version (long bob) and looks amazing on all ages, with lots of texture for older women.
5. A cropped cut or pixie is a haircut that says strength, confidence and fun and can work at any age or hair texture. Think Jamie Lee Curtis and Dame Judy Dench. (Remember Twiggy and Mia Farrow and Audrey Hepburn). Keep it soft and feminine and not too harsh or spiky.
6. The shag is the ultimate cool girl cut because it looks great on a wide range of people. Your stylist can play around with layers and modify it for your face shape. Think Jane Fonda (the original shag in the movie Klute) and Lisa Rinna. I wore a long shag at my wedding in 1971. I loved that cut!
7. Remember, hair is the accessory that we have with us everyday and we love the boost of confidence that comes with a great hair day! There is no age attached to hair length but it is a good idea to keep it at a length that makes sense maintenance wise for your lifestyle. If you live at the beach like my friend Debby, keep it long enough to put up in a scrunchie!

If you are ready to rock a new style and live in the area, I highly recommend Lisa at Sivana Salon in St. James. She is the best!

Update on my Intermittent Fasting Blog. I lost 5 lbs in 4 weeks and am feeling fine! More next week. XO Penny

Resources

Look Younger Fast, prevention.com

Is Your Hair Aging You, by Liza Graves, styleprint.com

Haircuts for Over Sixty by Denise McAdam and Margaret Manning, sixtyandme.com

“As your life changes, it takes time to recalibrate, to find your values again. You might also find that retirement is the time when you stretch out and find your potential.” Sid Miramonte. Retirement: Your New Beginning

My friend John retired last week from a County job with the Department of Labor. He was grinning from ear to ear when I saw him in our condo pool and said he never felt more relaxed. But understandably, he had a myriad of questions. Will he be bored? Should he relocate to Maine or wait and see how living on Long Island with a fixed income works for him. Is it a big adjustment? Will this smile on his face disappear?

Our conversation started me thinking on my own retirement which occurred 2 years ago. I was 10 years older than John when I retired and so ready. I had many of the same queries and worries.

My research brought me to an article entitled 10 Great Things About Retirement That You Should Never Forget by Stephanie Cunningham. (Www.sixtyandme.com). The author feels that retirement can be confusing to navigate and compares it to our teenage years. During that time we “are scrambling to find out who we are, what we want to do with our lives and how we fit in with society”. Many feel the same way in retirement as we leave lifelong careers and lose intimate partners and friends.

But she continues that we are not teenagers, but individuals with much life experience to take on these new challenges. Age provides the springboard to reestablish yourself during retirement in the following ways:

We have innate confidence from having years of experience unlike our teenage years when we felt uncertain how to act in new situations, how to make friends and explore and find our paths. With our experience we know we are capable of finding our way.

We are comfortable in our own skin. No more teenage angst. We are happy to emphasize our uniqueness rather than trying to fit in with our peers.

It’s liberating to have freedom from responsibility for others, for meeting deadlines and for achieving someone else’s goals. We now have time to explore our own goals, find activities we always wanted to do, but were too busy. We can think out of the box and try something totally new (like salsa dancing or learning Chinese).

Remember that our creativity does not decrease with age. In retirement, we have time to learn forms of art we always wanted to explore. I began writing this blog at the age of 69 and it has brought me much happiness. Being creative is most satisfying.

Moreover, by now we have all experienced life’s disappointments and losses and managed to get through the challenges. With new problems or situations we have the compassion for ourselves and others based on our past experiences.

In retirement we have fewer time constraints. We have more time to do something unexpected, travel, try a new hobby and explore new interests. We never had the time when we were working; we had to squeeze everything into our busy schedule.

Retirement is the time to prioritize yourself. You have the time to “streamline your life and choose where you want to devote your time and money”. We have time to curate our life to include those activities and people we want in our new stage of life.

I have prioritized my health, by swimming laps daily for one hour, walking daily and eating more fruits and vegetables. I can stay up until 12:00 midnight researching my blog, knowing that my alarm clock will not ring at 6:30 am and that I can sleep in.

My life has changed for the better with less work related stress. I don’t worry on Sunday night that my enjoyable weekend will end. I sleep eight hours a night (except when I eat coffee ice cream too late).

To sum it up, I love retirement because of these benefits:

Sleep, relaxation and lack of stress

Time to exercise and take care of our bodies

Time to learn new things

Time to give back

Time to reflect on the meaning of life and what is important

More time to spend with family and good friends

Time to go on adventures.

So remember if you are contemplating retirement, “ it is not the end of the road, but the beginning of the open highway”. Author unknown

How do you feel about retirement. I would love to hear from you.

I just returned from a multi-generational vacation, but just learned the term for it. We spent the past week in Montauk at a rental house owned by my friend’s family for generations. The “we” included me (the only grandparent), my daughter and daughter in law and my 8 year old grandson Jesse. Also included were my son, his girlfriend and her two teenage sons aged 13 and 18.

Multi-gen trips are a rising trend and that makes sense. A vacation between grandparents, their adult kids and grandkids give extended families time together without expectation of holiday gatherings and with so many vacation schedules to juggle with quality time, Families are finding it easier to simply see each other while they relax.

Choosing the right location is key to a stress free memory making trip. The key to choosing a location is to focus on a place that provides just the right amount of time together balanced with enough space to keep everyone sane.

Remember that toddlers, like grandparents, get grumpy if they have to walk too far or wait to take a nap. Kids thrive on recreation and independence; teens need privacy and extra sleep; college kids enjoy lavish meals and personal luxuries like spa treatments.

Budget, activities for all ages (because not everyone wants to do the same thing), and convenience all play a big role in determining the best multi-gen vacation options. If grandparents pay (research shows 33% of the time), they typically look for a structured, more comfortable vacation where everyone can spend time together. Cruises, all inclusive resorts and guided tours with supervision for kids are good options. When parents pay, they may bring grandparents to babysit; city getaways are popular with this group. When participants share, the options expand.

Roadscholar.org offers more than 260 inter generational and family programs from Washington D.C. and Mount Rushmore to Cuba or Paris, France. Another article I read suggested a safari in South Africa as one of the most organized vacations a family can take. “It offers a daily routine which allows children and adults to relax because there are no big decisions to make but also enough diversity, wonder, and down time each day to keep everyone excited”.

Our budget was more Montauk, than South Africa. I can honestly say that our trip was fabulous. My daughter in law planned it taking everyone’s interests into account. Monday we drove out to Sag Harbor, had lunch overlooking the harbor and walked around the town. My son’s group of four was not arriving until Tuesday night which worked out perfectly as Tuesday was a rainy, dismal day.

However, we four enjoyed the Lion King movie (Jesse’s choice), a delicious Italian lunch along with homemade coffee and Oreo ice cream at Johns Drive In, a Montauk institution. My daughter and I taught my grandson to play checkers that evening. It was a fun, busy day which may have bored the teenage boys.

Wednesday was an exciting day for all. My daughter in law had hired a fishing boat with a captain who took us over to Block Island to fish. The sea bass were biting and plentiful and were barbecued by the boys for our dinner—yum!

Thursday brought a beautiful beach day, pizza in town and a perusal of the farmers market, and an early dinner at The Lobster Roll where the tv show The Affair was filmed. Best lobster roll ever!!

Friday morning we visited the Montauk lighthouse, had a hamburger lunch in town, then on our way. While traveling with family always carries some degree of tension, the trip was relatively smooth and stress free with not too much pouting or tantrums, even by the teenagers, and you know how they can be!

Remember too that family holidays are valued by children both in the moment and for long afterward in their memory. According to experts, trips with families are the gift that keeps on giving……

“You are connected to your family through more than blood. You are bonded by ideas, culture, values and your cherished memories. Nurture, develop and embrace your family. Love those closest to you as you love yourself”.

Aging Beautifully cards by Margaret Manning

Resources

Myfamilytravels.com

Family Vacations Have Long Lasting Impact on Kids Happiness by Hollee Actman Becker parents.com

Best Multi-generational Trips Family Friendly Vacation Ideas by Candace H. Stapes Frommers.com

The very word “fasting” scares me. I love to eat and consider myself a foodie. (It also conjures up the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur when we cannot eat or drink for 24/hours, always a challenge for me!)

But for as long as I can remember, I have been on a diet, fluctuating between a size 10 and 12, maybe once a 14. I have visions of my mom and me in our kitchen in the 1960’s preparing the Weight Watchers coffee shake with instant coffee, lots of ice and sweet and low, while my sister would have an ice cream float (always thin, she never dieted). She also made cheerleading and I didn’t but I digress. I would also snack on Weight Watchers baked apples made with diet cherry soda. Yuck!

The idea of Intermittent fasting piqued my interest when a friend tried it with good results. What is Intermittent Fasting (IF) anyway?

IF is an umbrella term for various eating plans that cycle between periods of fasting and eating over a defined period. It’s a pattern of eating or a way of scheduling your meals so that you get the most out of them. You change when you eat, not what you eat.

Let me give you an example. The most popular type of IF is the 16/8 Method where you eat your meals for an 8 hour period E.g. from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm and fast for 16 hours. It can be whatever 8 hours suit you best 10:00 am to 6:00 pm etc. There is no snacking in between meals. This one is considered to be the simplest, most sustainable and easiest to stick to and the one I have chosen to follow. This is circadian rhythm fasting as our metabolism has adapted to daytime food and nighttime sleep.

Other methods involve fasting for 24 hours once or twice a week or consuming 500 to 600 calories on 2 non-consecutive days of the week, but eat normally the other 5 days. These 2 are too restrictive and difficult for me.

A 2014 study found this eating pattern caused a significant weight loss (3 to 8%) and more important, people lost 4 to7% of their waist circumference (significant loss of harmful belly fat that causes disease.). The same study shows it causes less muscle loss than standard calorie restriction and may aid in growth of new brain cells and protect against Alzheimer’s.

In fact, Harvard Medical School published an article on the 8 hour eating, 16 hour fasting version of IF noting “a growing body of research suggests the timing of the fast is key and can make it a realistic way to lose weight and prevent diabetes.”

Four ways to use this information for better health:

Avoid sugars and refined grains. Eat fruit, vegetables, beans, lentils, whole grains, lean proteins and healthy fats, e.g. a sensible Mediterranean-style diet.

Let your body burn fats between meals. Don’t snack!!! (If we don’t snack, our insulin levels go down and our fat cells can release their stored sugar to be used as energy and lose weight.) Be active throughout the day. Build muscle tone.

Consider a simple form of Intermittent Fasting – you choose the 8 hours.

Avoid snacking or eating at night.

I had always believed and followed the popular nutritional recommendations which assert that small, frequent eating, grazing, is the best way to control your appetite. And I worried that not eating enough would cause lethargy, dizziness and brain fog. Or was that an excuse for my eating bigger meals more often (combining the two methods). Not a good idea!

Both IF and grazing share this important feature: we are controlling energy (calorie) intake. When we consume less calories than we burn, we lose weight and ideally most of that is body fat. Whether you take in less calories by eating frequent small meals or infrequent larger meals is up to you.

Because I have been snacking especially at night, I decided to try eating meals during an 8 hour period from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. I also have throatburn a form of Reflux which prescribes no night eating. I have been eating this way for 2 weeks and am feeling good. I never believed I could make it to 11:00 am without eating. However, I am okay, not keeling over from hunger after my 45 minute morning walk. It’s kind of not a bad thing to feel hungry and not rush to get a snack. The better you can manage hunger, the less likely you are to act compulsively toward it!

So if you are looking at this IF stuff and not sure where it fits in for you, what should you do? Learn the essentials of good nutrition, things like eating good quality food in the right amounts at the right times. Things like learning to prepare healthy foods in the first place. Let me know what you think. XO Penny

Resources

Intermittent Fasting: Surprising Update by Dr. Monique Tello Health.harvard.edu

Beginners Guide to Intermittent Fasting jamesclear.com

Experiments with Intermittent Fasting by John Berardi Precisionnutrition.com

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart”. Eleanor Roosevelt

A recent experience with one of my closest friends of 35 years, prompted me to write about the importance of friendship in our lives. I had been feeling sorry for myself after my second wrist surgery with not much improvement and felt neglected by my friend. However, she had been going through a lot in her life, tending to grandchildren, her ninety year old mother and a husband beginning a new career. It was important to me to reach out because I felt we were growing apart. We are back where we should be and agreed to make time for each other!

Friends, the very best kind are special beings. They pop up in our lives and spark from an assortment of situations and places. Our friends are instrumental in supporting, easing and brightening our way. They influence (without always meaning to) our thoughts, ideas, and lifestyle choices and help shape us into the people we are or aim to be. Friends offer wise counsel, a positive spin and make you laugh. We share our deepest, darkest secrets and even tell each other when we have spinach in our teeth or our blouse is on backwards.

As we age, the quality of friendships become more important to many women. We look for a relationship based on the goodness we find in each other. It encompasses the values many of us want to give to and receive from our closest friends including respect, honesty, trust, empathy, warmth, humor, shared experience, and compassion.

As we age, we have more spare time, but value it and may not want to waste it on the wrong people anymore. Maybe we select and refine our friendships as we become more aware of our mortality. We may prioritize quality over quantity and see fewer people more of the time. However it is good to remain open to interesting new experiences and people, like my book group members, for example, who have introduced me to new ideas.

Aside from supporting each other in times of major life changes (divorce, retirement), comforting each other in times of loss, and helping find the humor in growing older, female friendships can be the key to happiness in older women. Research at Michigan State University demonstrated that valuing friendship was related to better functioning particularly among older adults (from surveys taken by 280,000 people).

Moreover, an article in Healthywomen.org, Keys to a Long Life noted “it’s important to develop resiliency, the ability to confront challenges sometimes terrible ones and maintain some sense of equilibrium”. One of the best ways to build resiliency is to develop a strong social support network.

When my twin sister (and best friend) died at age 59 after a five month battle with cancer, I wanted to die along with her. If it weren’t for my good friends and their support and love, I would not have been able to cope with my overwhelming grief and anger. Their daily phone calls and check-ins were a lifeline when I needed it most.

Two of those closest friends moved a great distance away. While distance makes the heart grow stronger, I do need to work a bit harder to keep those connections going. But the friendships are better and stronger for it. I go to them and they come to me for extended periods. Read my upcoming blog talking about a special birthday trip planned with my friend Debby.

I never want to forget that relationships with good friends require nurturing and extends to our daily priorities and choices. As Vincent Van Gogh said, in Close Friends Are Truly Life’s Treasures,

“Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves. With gentle honesty, they are there to guide and support us. To share our laughter and our tears. Their presence reminds us that we are never really alone.”

Resources

Psychology today.com. Are Female Friendships the Key to Happiness in Older Women

Refinery29.com The Joys of Female Friendship Over 50.

Psychology today.com, The Importance of Female Friendship Among Women, by Kristen Fuller

“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the car I drove, but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.” Forest E. Whitcraft, Teacher and Scholar

Yesterday was a very special day for me. Yesterday I attended a party for a young man named Nikolas who graduated Wesleyan University at the top of his class and is now headed to a job at Google in International marketing.

Let me backtrack. Two years ago, I was contacted by Nikolas who had been trying to get in touch with me for a few years. He was in my second grade ESL class at Mary G. Clarkson School in Bay Shore.

Nikolas explained on the phone that he had written a letter to me on Facebook messenger which I finally received two years later. He expressed his gratitude for my warmth and compassion at the time when he had recently arrived from Colombia with his mom and sister and was understandably nervous to begin elementary school in the U.S.

Nikolas reminded me that I had brought in teddy bears for the class and allowed each child to name it, tell a story about it and then keep it as my gift to each child. He showed me the teddy bear yesterday, still in his room after all these years, and told me how much it meant to him.

In his earlier letter to me, he had written, “For my college interviews, I’d often speak of you, as you had such a profound impact on me. To me, you demonstrated a passion for teaching and genuinely cared for the well being of your students. You enabled me to break the language barrier when I first immigrated to the U.S. and excel academically. You paved the road to my success and I am forever grateful.”

Let me take you back to that time and you will better understand why this realization was so important to me. I had been teaching ESL in an Adult Literacy Program for 13 years. I loved working with adults and was aware and proud of the impact I made on their lives. They were able to verbalize their sentiments. I left the program to work in a kindergarten through second grade setting to earn more money as I divorced in 2003. I had very little confidence in my abilities to teach young children because my student teaching in 1970 was in a junior high school. I was as nervous as Nikolas was to start school.

In addition, I was 52 when I started the job and made 3 huge life changes that year: Moving from my own house to a basement apartment in another town, starting a new job, and getting divorced. To make matters worse, my daughter was relocating to California. I literally felt like I was in the Witness Protection Program with a new identity.

Unsure of myself in my new teaching role, I cried every night. I never really knew if I was reaching the kids as I had reached their parents at BOCES. We don’t always know whose lives we have touched and made better for our having cared. What is important is that we do care and act. Nikolas did not know that I was inexperienced with second grade ESL. He knew that I cared when I brought into school a goody bag of treats and activities for him to take on a plane trip to visit family in Florida. (He reminded me of this fact, which I had forgotten.)

His actions in reaching out to me touched me deeply. We all like to be acknowledged and appreciated. And as Nelson Mandela has eloquently stated “what counts in life is the difference we have made to the lives of others that determines the significance of the lives we lead”.

Now that I am retired, I would like to continue to make a difference in the lives of others. Volunteering can enrich our lives as retirees as well.

Researchers asked retirees what do they need to feel content and satisfied, e.g. what was important to their quality of life. The four answers were the following: having something to do, having relationships, having a stake in the future, and having a sense of continuity.

“Volunteering your time and expertise is a way to gain all of the above. When volunteering you have something to do in a social situation, while working for a common good and contributing to your community or society. It provides productivity, connection and legacy.” But it also has to be enjoyable and fulfill your needs. If not, it does not improve your quality of life.

So decide what type of activities you would like to perform as a volunteer. So many choices… Save a Pet, food pantry, Long Island Cares. I will look at RSVP Suffolk (Retired Senior Volunteer Program or AARP.org and decide.

“When we help others, we shine. When we mentor, teach or protect others, we nurture ourselves. Don’t be an island. Reach out. Become a part of the world. Give and you shall receive”. Margaret Manning, Aging Beautifully

Resources

How Volunteering Can Enrich Your Life After 60, by Stephanie Cunningham Sixtyandme.com