Month: November 2019

Home is a word that resonates deeply. For many people it evokes family, childhood, some of their most vivid memories. It is a word that brings comfort to the soul, that names a place we want to return to, that makes us feel safe, loved and nurtured.

My first cousin Geraldine sent me a card recently with pictures she had found of my mom, dad and sister. She reminisced about the times our two families would spend together during the Jewish holidays. (Her dad and my dad were brothers; she also had a twin sister who predeceased her). Our twin cousins were 8 years older and we loved hanging out with them in Brooklyn. We thought it was so cool that they could walk to the pizza place from their house.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, a holiday I always loved. Every year we would spend Thanksgiving at my sister Jill’s beautiful home. I looked forward to making my stuffing at her house, stringing snap peas together while catching up and drinking Cabernet with The Eagles playing in the background. I can still smell my brother in law Doug’s succulent turkey which he lovingly basted every 15 minutes.

I remember a jumble of emotions the first Thanksgiving after Jill died—anger at being abandoned, guilt for having survived and obliged to do more to preserve our family legacy. My dad died when I was only 36 and my mom in 2014.

There must be millions of other people who are last surviving members of their original family, my brother in law Doug being one. 75% of those age 60 to 64 have lost both of their parents and roughly half of Americans age 50 to 59 according to a study funded by the National Institute on Aging. But as far as I can tell, no one has counted or studied or given a name to people who have lost all their siblings as well. Let’s call them sole family survivors. Research has only been done on those who have lost families in cataclysmic events such as war and the Holocaust.

We’ve got much in common with adult orphans what sociologists have named grownups whose parents are deceased. There is the realization that you are next. There’s a change in identity- no longer anyone’s daughter or sister. When you are the last one left, you are not only grieving the one who died, but saying goodbye to the end of a common heritage and the end of shared memories.

Some sole survivors offer these suggestions for managing the holidays and keeping family memories alive.

Research your family history, hence the popularity of cites like Ancestry.com and 23 and Me. One woman, Elaine Shimberg, dug into her family history and wrote a memoir entitled Growing Up Jewish in Small Town America, including tales of her grandfather and great grandfather who were peddlers in Bulgaria.

Moreover, every year on Thanksgiving, Elaine Shimberg serves a traditional meal on her mother’s old ornate China and silver. And every year she tells her children and grandchildren “this cranberry spoon was Nana’s”. She lost her immediate family members by the time she was 63 and found comfort in the things they left behind. She said everything had a story and her children and grandchildren were going to hear it!

I keep my family memories alive by telling family stories to my grandson. “Tell me the story Nana about Mr. Belcher again”. Mr. Belcher lived across the street from me when I was growing up. He was a drunk (I tell my grandson he loved his beer) and would stand outside by the curb yelling to the people passing by in cars yelling “slow down or I’ll slow you down”. He would stick a hose in the open car window (no air conditioners back then) and wet everyone.

Also I tell silly jokes that my father would tell ( Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.) and tell Jesse secret language and games my sister and I would play.

Other people make memorabilia meaningful. They reframe and restore old photos, create scrapbooks using old letters, tickets, clippings, anything that retells your family’s story. One woman had her fathers ties sewn into a quilt.

This year I will spend Thanksgiving with my brother in law and my sister’s daughters. I will recreate my stuffing, drink Cabernet with my niece Sara and know that my sister (and mom and dad) will be right there with us.

“Photographs and memories, all the love you gave to me. Somehow it just can’t be true. That’s all I’ve left of you”. Jim Croce

Happy Thanksgiving all! Enjoy your family!

Resources

Sole Survivors: Adult Orphans Preserve, Adapt Traditions by Melinda Beck. The Wall Street Journal

“When we adopt a dog or any pet, we know it is going to end with us having to say goodbye, but we still do it- for a very good reason. They bring us so much joy, optimism and happiness. They attack every moment of every day with that attitude.” Bruce Cameron, A Dog’s Purpose

I have always loved dogs. My earliest childhood memory stays with me to this day and involves a promise my parents made to me to buy me a puppy. I was 7 years old and needed eye surgery to fix a lazy eye.

Back in 1956, this involved a hospital stay of a week where I would be separated from my twin (a first) and my parents. It was a devastating, scary prospect and experience, but I thought about the puppy waiting for me at the end of the ordeal. My mom named him Algie after my eye surgeon, Algernon P. Reese. (I told you I remember every last detail). Algie was an adorable English bull dog and my sister and I were crazy about him. My mom refused to put up with his chewing and puppy antics and Algie was gone after two months. I never forgave her for that! Really!

Which brings me to the reason for writing this blog post. As you know, I recently adopted an 8 year old rescue and named him Linus. Let me backtrack. I attended a Yorkie 911 Rescue event (Heidi Walker, the head of the organization is amazing). I had been on their website for a few months researching rescues, and had sort of decided on Booty, a 10 year old full Yorkie, hoping to see him at the event. But one look at Linus (f/k/a Grant) and I was hooked—those warm sweet brown eyes, waggily tail and patchwork fur on his back. I chose him and he chose me.

Some friends were less than enthusiastic about my recent decision. Won’t it tie you down? How will you travel? Why do you want all that responsibility at this age? But there are so many advantages and ways that adopting a pet can improve your life as an older woman.

First, pets bring joy. Research has repeatedly shown that pet ownership improves the quality of life, especially for seniors. Human-Animal Companion Interaction (HAI) can have a significant effect on the lives of both you and your animal. Many people believe that interaction with a pet increases oxytocin. An international team of researchers concluded that both HAI and oxytocin were found to promote social interaction, to reduce stress and anxiety and to enhance human health. They concluded that the numerous advantages to pet ownership includes the following:

Older pet owners had lower blood pressure, triglycerides and cholesterol levels. Adults who walked dogs accumulated at least 30 minutes of walking a day. Dog walking is associated with lower body mass index (BMI), fewer limitation in activity, fewer doctor visits and more frequent moderate and vigorous exercise. Owning a dog, or being responsible for any pet gives us a sense of purpose. Our pets need us for their well being and reciprocate with affection, loyalty and kisses. It helps set up a routine for the day.

Pets prevent us from being isolated and lonely. We feel needed and loved, especially for older adults who live alone. Petting a dog or cat releases stress and helps you to calm down; they help not only our physical but our mental health as well. They brighten our day and help us feel energized and enlivened. Pets help distract us from our day to day worries during our periods of depression.

Not only do they act as our friend and emotional support, they help us meet people when we walk them. A dog can be your dating coach and exercise coach as well.

“We humans can learn a few things from dogs. They live in the present. They don’t hold grudges. They let go of their anger daily, hourly and never let it fester. They absolve and forgive with each passing minute. Every turn of a corner is an opportunity for a clean slate. Every bounce of a ball brings joy and the promise of a fresh chase”. Stephen Rowley.

After only three weeks, Linus is my best buddy. He is my confidant, my squirrel chasing, non stop licking machine, walking partner who dances around the kitchen as he eagerly awaits his dinner. Pets are spiritual teachers, teaching us to live in the here and now and love unconditionally. They help us to be humble and grateful and to approach new things with curiosity and enthusiasm. My life is enhanced by Linus’ presence in it. XO. Penny