Author: admin

”A memoir forces me to stop and remember carefully. It is an exercise in truth. In a memoir, I look at myself, my life and the people I love most in the mirror of a blank screen. In a memoir, feelings are more important than facts and to write honestly, I have to confront my demons.” Isabel Allende

For the past two years, I have been writing my memoir, which is almost completed. It has been a labor of love, cathartic, but difficult at times to relive certain life events. It has been for the most part a worthwhile experience, one I would recommend to others.

What is a memoir and how is it different from an autobiography? A memoir is not a summary of your life like an autobiography. It is a window into a part of your life in its selective composition. It tends to focus on a particular time in the author’s life or a particular facet of their existence. A memoir’s takeaway is a gift to the reader, something heartfelt, universal and true.

”There are subtle moments of observation about the world around you, a wrapping up of an experience through a lesson learned and a sharing of the way something impacted you. A good takeaway of a memoir is mirroring—a way of relaying we are not alone and the world is a crazy place, isn’t it?”

My memoir focuses on my post-divorce (age 52 to 66) experiences in the world of dating, the challenges and mistakes I made along the way. I point out the pitfalls and perils and hope that the reader will learn from my mistakes and proceed with caution. It offers the reader useful insights to adapt to their own life with a valuable takeaway message.

Of course, an analysis of my growing up as a twin in the 1950’s plays a part in my story how I became divorced in my early fifties. I read that writing your memoir is a gift to yourself and to those with whom you have shared a walk down different paths. The memoir is dedicated to my twin sister Jill who shared my path and continues to be with me every day in my heart and mind. I felt her presence at the computer as I wrote my story and used her input.

There are health benefits to writing your story as well. Clinical studies show that people who wrote about emotional events in their lives for twenty minutes a day for four consecutive days showed increases in therapeutic T cells for the following six weeks. Other values received are catharsis, gratitude, completion and redemption.

Writing a memoir is easier than you think; you have something important to say. We learn more from reading about ordinary people who coped with grief, illness, poverty and other challenges than the life of a celebrity.

Just remember the five elements of a memoir. It tells a compelling story, using a theme, told in the first person point of view, a narrative voice, with memory and musing, offering the reader useful insights to adapt to their own lives. A list of must read memoirs to get you started are the following: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, Night by Elie Wiesel, Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, and I Am Malala.

My memoir entitled ”My Life in Dating After Fifty: A Cautionary Tale” is in the final stages. I will keep you posted…

Check out my friend Susan Doris Gold’s new book ”Valiant Choices”, a unique family saga structured as a fictional memoir. It is a great read by a wonderful author.

”Everyones life forms a unique metaphorical fingerprint onto the universe. And like fingerprints, no two lives are exactly alike. The unique story of your life is yours to tell.” Howard Fishman

“It is snow to be shoveled to make driving worse than usual; snow to be joked about and cursed at, but unless the child in you is entirely dead, it is snow too, that can make the heart beat faster when it catches you by surprise, that way before your defenses are up. It is snow that can awaken memories of things more wonderful than anything you ever knew or dreamed.” Frederick Buechner

A freshly fallen snow links us to our childhood memories. One of my fondest, most vivid memories of a snowy day when I was seven is the following:

My twin sister and I get off the school bus. My mom is bundled up in her snow gear pulling our new English bulldog puppy Algie on our sled. Mom gave us a ride home on the sled, covered with a red plaid blanket with Algie between us on our laps. After taking off our wet clothes at home, we ate warm, gooey homemade toll house cookies and hot cocoa with marshmallows. This memory was especially poignant because Algie was gone a month later after he ate up our kitchen and my mom decided it was the puppy or her. My sister and I knew who we wanted to stay but my dad had the deciding vote!

My eleven- year old Jesse lives for the snow. Living in California until three years ago, he was jealous of every snowfall we had in New York. He loves sledding and “throwing snow in my face and my friends’ faces”. My son Keith loves to drive in snow and loves to ski. He is a cold weather person, and much prefers winter to summer.

My granddog Liam, a one- year old mix of sheepdog, Bernese mountain dog, and mini poodle (hah, mini; he is huge!) delights in bounding through the deep snow and eating big mouthfuls. Unfortunately, he comes in with frozen ice balls stuck to his wooly fur, difficult to remove.

I try to remember the sense of wonder I had as a child looking out the window at the freshly fallen snow and appreciate the magic and beauty of a snowstorm. It reminds me of Peter in my kindergarten ESL students’ favorite book “A Snowy Day” by Ezra Jack Keats. For many of my students coming from Central and South America, it was their first experience with snow. They loved it!

Why do people love snow? It is a change of scenery. During the dark, gray, and dirty days of winter with bare trees and dead grass, a blanket of snow covering the landscape is a bright refreshing change. Everything looks almost magical when covered in snow (until of course it becomes black with dirt or slick with ice).

Indeed, an article in the Huffington Post lists 8 ways snow makes you a happier person. See if you agree.

Once a beautiful snowfall is added to our winter, we often find our feelings of bitterness transform into one of pure unadulterated joy. It wipes the slate of our world clean rejuvenating our personal perspective at the same time. Really?

Snow inspires our sense of wonder. OK

Snow gives off relaxing vibes and even in our most stressful moments, a fresh snowfall maintains almost supernatural power to calm us down. ( I guess if we are inside and not afraid of driving in it.)

Snow links us to childhood memories. Definitely!

Snow gives us fun games and treats. Agreed.

Snow brings us to the present moment. What fun to be the first to leave footprints in a fresh layer of snow.

It brings people together and reminds us of the beauty of nature. True

It’s time is limited. There are only six weeks until spring. Yay!

It’s time to come clean. As an adult, I hate snow. Because I have broken both wrists at two different times (having fallen over snowless, iceless speed bumps twice) I am fearful of falling in the snow and ice. Freshly fallen soft snow is beautiful to look at (from inside my cozy den, sipping green tea), but having to walk my dog Linus when the road ices over scares me to death. One of the reasons I was happy to retire at age 68 was not having to clean off my car and leave for work early. I live in a condo complex with no garages.

Even in my first year of college at Syracuse University, snow played a part in my hating school. There were 200 icy steps to walk down to campus and my classes and the same 200 icy steps to walk up at the end of the day. I lived in a dorm up on Mt. Olympus. No one warned about the steps. Why didn’t I go to the University of Miami?

Do you know there is actually a Facebook group that is called “My Love/Hate Relationship with Snow? Where do you fall on this issue?

“Oh the weather outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful. And since we’ve no place to go….. Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!” Sammy Cahn

“In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we came from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning no matter our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness. ” Alex Haley Roots

It all started with my Asian eyes. My mom told me that when I was a baby, people would stop her to comment on what a cute Korean baby she had adopted. I had dark black hair, almond shaped eyes and high fat cheeks. My twin sister Jill, however did not look Asian. She was kind of bald, with a thinner face and rounder eyes. I believe I inherited my eyes from my dad whose mother had emigrated from Russia. My grandmother Anna had the same shaped eyes. She called my sister “de onderer (not sure of the spelling), the Yiddish word for the other one, instead of calling her by name, because she did not resemble us. Weird, right?

Convinced I was part Asian, I decided a few years ago to check out my DNA with Ancestry.com. The result was as follows: I was 100% Eastern European Jewish. I guess Russia and China do share a border and it was possible that Grandma Anna and Grandpa Harry (who I never met) had lived near the border. That was the reason that I joined Ancestry, but am glad that I did. I have discovered some interesting second and third cousins along the way.

As Americans, we are obsessed with geneology. Twenty years into the creation of recreational DNA testing for Ancestry.com thirty- five million people have taken the test to match them to genetic relatives and predict where in the world their genes come from.

What are we looking for and what do we do with what we find? We look out of a curiosity and search out of a sense of rootlessness. Time and assimilation have stripped many families of their customs, languages and food of the past

“We look because we are born storytellers and want to know how our once upon a time fits into the narrative of our lives. We want to know if the past has guidance for us in our chaotic present lives” writes Libby Copeland in her book “The Lost Family, How DNA Testing Is Upending Who We Are”. The pandemic may be fueling even more of a desire to search as Ancestry reports a significant increase in subscribers since COVID began. We learned how important our family connections are during this time and we continue to search for meaning in our lives as never before.

In November, 2019, I wrote a blog entitled “Photographs and Memories” before Thanksgiving lamenting the loss of my sister and mom and dad and the fact that I was an “adult orphan” with few connections to my past. In the past three months, I reconnected with two of my cousins on my father’s side of the family and it has been a wonderful, meaningful experience. We are sharing memories and learning about each other and the ancestors who are no longer here. I am so happy to have these new connections to my family and I cherish our conversations and exchange of photographs.

“Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present and future.” Gail Lumet Buckley

“The greatest gifts are not wrapped in paper, but in love”.

Here we are again, headed into the holiday season, ready or not. Hanukah actually begins early this year, right after Thanksgiving. Holidays were so exciting and pleasurable as a child. The anticipation of opening all those gifts, especially for those who celebrated both Hanukah and Christmas (like my grandson).

But for us adults, the gift giving season can be stressful and expensive. Maybe you decided this year to give everyone your delicious homemade apple strudel or yummy gingerbread cookies in a festive box. Perhaps you knitted beanies for the loved ones in your family. I thought about gifting my famous chicken soup (since I can’t bake or knit very well), but decided it wouldn’t work.

However, I did decide that this year, I want to spend my money in small businesses, especially in those businesses who give back to the community. Oprah and I must be on the same wave length. She just published her list of favorite things for 2021 (110 items) and most were either women owned or minority owned businesses. I don’t know about you, but I am tired of giving Amazon all my holiday money; Jeff Bezos is rich enough.

Check out these unusual finds–some of my favorite things for holiday season 2021:

COLOR THE WORLD: Imagine purchasing a lipstick that could help save the environment (“Daybreak”) or the lipcolor “Kisses” to build homes for our troops. Perhaps you would choose “Huntress” to give a dog a forever home, or “Empowered” to help triumph over anxiety and depression.

This start-up company by two brothers (and one wife) in Raleigh, North Carolina, “is raising the bar and pioneering the way to improve people’s lives through the expression of color and by raising awareness for and supporting different causes around the world. Their dream is to set an example of how corporate culture gives back; with every purchase of a $16.50 vegan/cruelty free hand-poured artisan lipstick (with tubes made from recycled materials for minimal impact on the environment),10% of profits are split between charitable causes.

The lipsticks are wonderfully moisturizing and don’t bleed into fine lines. The website even provides a method to determine if your skin tone is cool, warm or neutral and suggests lip colors based on this information. Their tagline is help heal our planet one smooch at a time.

You say you need gifts for the grandkids. Check out Color the World kids for handmade sidewalk chalk, non-toxic, cruelty-free and eco-friendly, made in the shapes of popsicles, donuts, tie dye cupcakes and T-Rex and Raptor dinosaur eggs. I bought the cupcakes and popsicles for my great nephew and great niece and they were a big hit!

DIAMOND CHOCOLATES ON ETSY: The owner, also based in South Carolina, was encouraged by her husband and children to start this small business. I received a box of birthday chocolates from my niece and was hooked. Personalized chocolates for special events, Bah Humbug chocolates, and even Christmas poop emoji chocolates for a hostess gift (hopefully she has a sense of humor). The chocolate is delicious and you can choose milk, dark and white in the same box. The customer service is excellent. Try it; you will thank me.

BEEKMAN 1802: It all started with 100 goats and two men who were tired of living in NYC and decided to move to rural Sharon Springs, NY. Josh and Dr. Brent began making goat milk soap at their kitchen table. “Using kindness as their guide, neighbor by neighbor, on the foundation that a community that works together is happier, healthier and stronger together, they shared the goat milk soap and realized the soap did wonders for dry, sensitive skin and even eczema and rosacea. Goat milk has the same PH as our skin. The company makes full of lather handmade soaps, whipped body lotions, hand creams and so much more all from goat milk. They even made Oprah’s list the past two years. My favorite scents are the honey grapefruit and apricot green tea. They also make unscented for those with allergies to scents.

THE HAPPY ME JOURNAL: Keeping a gratitude journal is a scientifically proven method that promotes happiness, develops positive habits and nurtures inquiring minds. It helps guide children through their emotions and challenges that arise during the day. It is perfect for children who struggle to talk about their feelings. Questions and prompts encourage them to share their emotions in a safe way. There is a junior journal for ages 6 through 12 and a teen journal for ages 12 plus.

Happy Me works in the following areas: gratitude, mindset, kindness, mindfulness, digital well-being and self awareness.

Francesca Geens, the creator in England, credits her kids as her inspiration and as being instrumental in making the content just right. My grandson Jesse will receive a journal as one of his Hanukkah gifts. Check it out at happymejournal.com

UNCOMMON GOODS: I discovered this company a few years ago when I was looking for a gift for my brother-in-law Doug, who has everything. But he didn’t have a pistachio pedestal, a solid wood pistachio nut server with an elegant solution for storing the shells. I also purchased a bag of Brooklyn Roasted and Salted pistachio nuts as a separate purchase. Doug loved the gift and claimed the nuts were very fresh, crispy and perfectly salted.

This company has amazing games for kids and adults, custom personalize “Dream Together” wedding bowls and a wonderful “My Family Cookbook” in which you can chronicle family recipes and pass them down to further generations. Some of the gifts are pricey, but well worth a look.

The company donates to causes that share their values and celebrates independent designers and are proud to showcase their work.

COLLECTIVE CLOTHING BOUTIQUE: I love to support local businesses whenever I can. Especially businesses owned by wonderful people who give back to the community. If you live in Suffolk County, you may have had the good fortune to have shopped some years back at Sweet Leaf Boutique in Setauket on 25A. I still have many of the beautiful sweaters, jackets and jewelry from that store. My great friend Livia was the owner and now her daughter Raquel and her partner Mary are continuing the family tradition with Collective Clothing Boutique, dedicated to curating on-trend fashion at a fair price. If you are in the market for unusual and cozy sweaters, beanies, handbags, and jewelry, look online or visit the store on 25A, Setauket. Tell them Penny sent you!

Happy shopping and happy holiday season to you all! XO Penny

“Butterflies hover and feathers (and pennies) appear whenever lost loved ones and angels are near.”

Last Friday, I had an appointment with a medium. I needed to find out how my loved ones are doing in heaven. Some of you non-believers are rolling your eyes and are ready to shut down your computer. Please bear with me and keep an open mind. I had a wonderful reading and will share exactly what happens during this experience.

What is a medium and what do they do? A medium has the ability not only to read the energy around you, listen to the divine but is also able to reach your loved ones who have passed to bring you a sense of peace, knowing that you are never alone. How is this accomplished? The medium uses his or her psychic or intuitive abilities to see past, present and future events of the person by tuning into spirit energy surrounding the person who is being read. They rely on the presence of non-physical energy outside of themselves for information relevant to the person in front of them.

How does it happen? Spirits impress the mind and body of the medium with thoughts and feeling that come in the form of “clairs”. She hears (clair audience) sees (clairvoyance), knows (clair cognizance) and feels (clair sentience) messages from spirits. The medium then acts as the bridge between the spiritual and physical world with the intention of healing both worlds.

You take the plunge and make an appointment. What happens during a reading? The medium will describe the first person stepping forward, giving details about how the person looked, their relation to you, the age of passing, how they passed, giving evidence so that you know exactly who the medium is speaking with.

The second part of the reading is sharing with you memories of the relationship you both shared with events only you would know about. Next, the medium ends the reading of that person who has shown up for you by asking what they would like to say from their heart to you. This is the most emotional part of the reading (half a box of tissues gone)!

Before ending, the medium will ask them to tell her a sign they have been sending to you to let you know they are close. The medium asks them to show their version of heaven, who they are with and what they are doing in heaven. They will give the medium information of what you have been doing recently so that you know they are truly by your side.

Let me tell you specifically about my experience. It was awesome. My mom Betty and mother-in-law Janet came forward first arguing about who was my mother. My mom Betty was always jealous of my relationship with Janet (who also came forward as my mother). Betty said I was closer to Janet than to her (which was kind of true, since she and I were similar in personality and she understood me better than my mom).

My twin sister Jill came forward to make fun of my gray (I call it silver) hair. In life, her long dark hair was her crowning glory and her security blanket. Jill had said she would never go gray. When she lost her hair during chemo, she was devastated. Now she told me her hair grew back, long and flowing and dark!

The medium, Lisa, advised that heaven is like a big hotel with different rooms. My dad was in the lobby greeting people (always the salesman with his jokes and songs), looking dapper and stylish as in life.

My sister, however, was not occupying any room, because she prefers to do her own thing (typical) and is so often down here on earth with me. She knows I am writing a book and is actually my co-author, she told the medium. Jill is with me always and I do feel her presence and see pennies she leaves for me in random places!

My boyfriend Rich’s mom who passed in April of this year of Alzheimer’s disease came forward to let me know her mind is perfect and she has reunited with her divine soul connection, her boyfriend and has never been happier. She thanked me for making her son happy. Corinne also now remembers how to cook; she had sadly forgotten how to do this when she was sick.

Finally, my true mom came back at the end to discuss some unfinished business that was weighing on her soul. Betty was ashamed of how she had treated me at the end of her life and needed to apologize. The medium described my mom with her head down, very ashamed. My heart hurt when she died because she was angry and took it out on me. She said she wasn’t ready to go. Mom asked me for forgiveness and wanted me to be able to move on with my life and learn my life lessons without the anger and pain in my heart. Of course I said I forgave her. This was so helpful to me because my mom never apologized for anything to either my sister or me during her lifetime. I guess she was learning her life lessons in heaven.

This was very cathartic and emotional for me and I am happy to let go of the ill feelings and enjoy my time here on earth, which according to the medium will be long and healthy.

Finally, it felt wonderful to connect with my beloved family members and know that they are together, happy, still with me, very much a part of my life. If you would like to read more on the subject, I highly recommend George Anderson’s Walking in the Garden of Souls: Advice from the Hereafter for Living in the Here and Now and Lessons From the Light. Both are reminders that love never dies and we all remain connected.

“Sister. She is your mirror shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and your best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink…” Barbara Alpert

Today marks the thirteenth anniversary

of my twin sister Jill’s (a/k/a Dolly) death. It seems unfathomable that so many years have passed without her and I am still standing. I recently found and read a letter I had written in my journal to her after she died. “It is now a month and nine days since your death. My grief is overwhelming; my heart is broken. I know that you are in a better, wonderful place and that does comfort me. I couldn’t watch you suffer one more day, but I am truly lost without you.”

Jill was worried about leaving me behind, I was told later by two different mediums, Jeffrey Wands and the Psychic Sisters. Jill came through and admitted that she knew I wanted to be the sick one, rather than her, but it was her journey, not mine.

I saw a quote that summed up my feeling then pretty well. “I do not see as well without her. I do not hear as well without her. I would be better off without a hand or leg than without my sister”. What I miss most about Jill is speaking to her every day. She was my confidante, my best friend. We would stay on the phone for hours always telling stories, singing songs (she would accompany us on the guitar), laughing.

We were always together as children, the only siblings. We shared a bedroom, even when our parents fixed up the guest room and encouraged one of us to move. My heart hurt when I left her to go to Syracuse University my freshman year. Jill attended a junior college outside of Boston for her first two years. That year was difficult for me and I spent a lot of time drowning my sorrows at the candy machine eating Milky Ways and gained the dreaded freshman 15. Mid way through the year, I decided to transfer to Boston University and we spent our last two years together on the same floor in the dorm and graduated together. Those were wonderful years and I have fond memories of time spent with two Harvard suitemates!

A second difficult transition came when Jill and family moved to London for four years due to Doug’s employment opportunity. I was devastated at the news. How could I survive the separation? I remember basting the turkey the first Thanksgiving with a mixture of sweet butter and salty tears. They came home summers for a visit and I visited London and we made it through with even some growth for me. I remember getting a call from the phone company when Jill had emergency surgery in London asking if all those calls were made by me. We managed to stay in touch through it all!

We had planned to spend our golden years together; I was divorced and Jill planned to outlive her husband. Life doesn’t go according to plans. Dame Judi Dench, on the death of her husband opined, “It changes who you are completely, because it’s like you are walking along and you’re not looking and there’s an enormous chasm in front of you. I don’t expect you ever get used to it.” Barbara Bush discussing her twin sister Jenna Hager Bush said “a sister is someone who will walk next to you always.” I miss Jill walking beside me!
I am reposting this blog from last year. It never gets easier. My life goes on without my twin but there is a void that will never be filled. Rest In Peace my sweet Dolly.

“Another fall, another turned page: there was something of jubilee in that annual autumnal beginning, as if last year’s mistakes had been wiped clean by summer.” Wallace Stegner

September was always back to school, new outfits, new beginnings. At this time, we of Jewish faith celebrate Rosh Hashanah, or the Jewish New Year, a fall holiday which is both a time of rejoicing and of serious introspection. It’s a time to celebrate the completion of another year while also taking stock of one’s life.

Growing up, Rosh Hashanah was a special time for my dad and me. My mom refused to go to synagogue, feeling like it was merely a fashion show–a time for the rich Jewish women in our community to show off. (We were not rich) My twin sister happily stayed home with her and I would walk to temple with my dad. It was really special for me to not have to share Dad with anyone. We would come home to a special meal prepared by my mother and grandmother of brisket, potatoes and roasted carrots with of course, matzoh ball soup. I cherish those memories.

With the pandemic still lurking, I watched the live stream Rosh Hashanah service from Central Synagogue in New York City. The music is soul stirring and the sermons thought provoking and on point.

This year 5782, I have decided to make my new year’s resolutions during the Jewish new year, rather than the traditional time in January in the throes of winter doldrums when I am in hibernation mode. Perhaps that is why I never seem to follow through. September, on the other hand has “warmth and depth and color and glows like old amber”. Patience Strong

Well, here goes. During Rosh Hashanah, we pray for good health, happiness, love and prosperity today and every day and a sweet year. Here are my “good intentions”:

HEALTH: I will drink more water to keep away dehydration. I have learned that many of us experience mild dehydration that can lead to many health conditions. In the book “You’re Not Sick, You’re Thirsty”, F. Fatmanghelidj, M.D., stated, “I am of the opinion that many conditions such as Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s, Lou Gehrig’s, aphasia, autism, ADD and epilepsy are a result of persistent dehydration in the body”. Mild dehydration brings on feelings of brain fog, when you feel you can’t think clearly and have trouble concentrating. To counter the problem of dehydration, we need to drink more water.

How much is enough? The general rule for healthy people is one 10 ounce glass of water for every 30 pounds of body weight (So for me, five 10 ounce glasses per day). The recommendation is to gradually increase the amount of water so as not to disrupt the chemical balance in your body. Add 2 oz. to the amount you normally drink each day for the next week. Continue adding 2 oz. per day each week until the reach the desired amount. Water brightens your skin, flushes out toxins and provides your internal systems with much needed hydration. Remember 70% of our body is comprised of water.

I will eat more protein: I never realized that by not eating enough protein as we age, we may be putting our health at risk. This is because aging makes it harder for us to absorb and effectively use protein we consume at a time in our lives when we need more to protect our health. A study published in the Journal of Nutrition, Health and Aging suggested that 45% of adults over the age of 51 do not get enough protein. This important nutrient helps to maintain muscle mass and strength (lack leads to sarcopenia). This is vital to help prevent falls while keeping us mobile and agile. In addition, sufficient protein in our diet may help prevent fatty liver and reduce our risk of stroke.

How much protein should we consume? A boomer woman weighing 140 pounds should be getting 76 grams of protein a day. For example, a salad with a cup of shredded chicken breast and a hard boiled egg contains 49 grams of protein. A six ounce serving of salmon contains 34 grams of protein and a cup of edamame has 31 grams . Having a comprehensive nutrient test on a regular basis can be helpful as well.

SWEET YEAR: We eat apples dipped in honey on Rosh Hashanah for a sweet year. I will try to do more good deeds (mitzvot) to help others. I will be more conscious of performing acts of kindness daily. Sam Levenson said, “As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.” In that spirit, I will continue to declutter my closets and house and donate my excesses to those who are in need.

PROSPERITY: I will get back to writing my book and finish Part Two. I put it aside for too long because it was more difficult to write than Part One. I will cut back spending on things I do not need (like more makeup)

LOVE: “I will shower the people I love with love” (the words of James Taylor). The pandemic has taught us so much about what is important in this life, and family and friends are paramount.

HAPPINESS: I will continue to count my many blessings and thank God daily for the bounty of goodness and love I have been given.

I will end with the beautiful words of Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel:

“And above all remember that the meaning of life is to build a life as if it were a work of art”.

“I am especially glad of the divine gift of laughter. It has made the world human and lovable, despite all its pain and wrong.” W.E.B. Dubois

Earthquake in Haiti, floods in Tennessee, Taliban trampling on women’s hard won rights in Afghanistan, Delta variant, mask mandates and bans by governors, sexual harassment, disinformation regarding vaccines, global warming, devastating forest fires. Stop the world I want to get off!

Last week, my daughter’s best friend Kristi, from California came to visit with her thirteen year old daughter. One starry evening, we were all sitting outside by the pool and relaxing. I was discussing my boyfriend Rich’s daughter’s upcoming wedding in Newport, Rhode Island. “What does she do for a living”, Kristi inquired. I responded, “Rich says she is an attorney; I say she is a lawyer, (which is how I referred to myself). An hour of laughter ensued where Kristi, in a British accent (with her hair piled high on her head in a bouffant “do” wearing big dark glasses stated: “She’s an attorney. I am a non-attorney. Attorneys at the wedding must present their attorney card and will be sitting in a separate section. Attorneys will be served lobster fra diablo for dinner with wine, while non-attorneys will eat bologna sandwiches on Wonder Bread with tap water.

My son Keith, who should do stand-up got into the act along with my grandson Jesse who shouted “I am an attorney”. Perhaps you are thinking “I guess you had to be there”, but all 6 of us were hysterically laughing and adding to the wedding scenario until my daughter begged us to stop; her belly was hurting and she could not breathe. The next morning I was still laughing as I replayed it in my mind.

Why is laughter considered the best medicine? It is one of the best tools we have for fighting stress. Research reveals that it is a potent drug with the contagious power of a virus that conveys multiple benefits for the mind and body.

1. It’s a potent endorphin releaser. Laughing with others releases endorphins (our feel good chemical) in our brain via opiod receptors. The more of these a person has in the brain, the more powerful the effect. Heroin, a highly addictive drug, also binds to these receptors, which suggests laughter induces a euphoria similar to a narcotic (minus the side effects).
2. Laughter contagiously forms social bonds. Spreading endorphin release through groups promotes a sense of togetherness and safety (like a game of “endorphin dominoes”). And couldn’t we all use a dose of that right about now!
3. Laughter fosters brain connectivity. Not all laughter is the same. One study found differences in how we perceive joyous laughter, taunting laughter and tickling laughter, each of which activates connections between different brain regions. Our brains must work vigorously when we hear a laugh to decipher what sort of communication is coming through. Interesting!
4. Laughter is central to relationships. A study showed women laugh about 126% more than their male partners while the men seem to instigate the laughter the most. Couples who laugh together report a higher quality relationship.
5. Laughter has an effect similar to an anti-depressant. Laughing activates the release of the neurotransmitter serotonin, the same brain chemical affected by the most common type of anti-depressant SSRIs.
6. Laughter protects your heart–it has an anti-inflammatory effect that protects blood vessels and heart muscles and lessens the body’s stress response linked to increased inflammation. ” Laughter should be a part of every heart disease prevention program”.

Our conversation regarding the term attorney or lawyer reminded me of a Seinfeld episode, about the life of a group of friends and their daily struggles set mostly in an apartment building in Manhattan’s upper west side. It was described as a show about nothing according to Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David. Most of the humor revolves around ‘disasters, miscommunications, moral ambiguity and faulty logic”. It focused on the minutiae of daily life and literally nothing happened in terms of story telling, melodrama or emotions. In that sense, it was an escape from the issues of the day and the depressing news. Some of the humorous quotes became pop culture references like “shrinkage”, “no soup for you” and the “Soup Nazi”.

On the other hand Rowan and Martin’s Laugh in, which aired from 1967 to 1973 was modern, decadent and reflective of the times. It popularized the rapid style of the vignette comedy show where comedy sketches, punch-lines and gags were edited together in rapid and almost random format. We were introduced to Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann and Ernestine the telephone operator (one ringy dingy) and the talents of Ruth Buzzi, Judy Carne, Goldie Hawn and JoAnne Worley. That was one of my favorite shows. Remember “Sock it to me” and the closing credits happening while the cast told jokes from the joke wall. Laugh-In was the forerunner to Saturday Night Live which covered and continues to cover social, political and moral issues. It really is a social commentary on what is happening in the news, not concerned with the daily lives of its characters like Seinfeld and Friends.

Whether you choose slapstick comedy like The Three Stooges or I Love Lucy reruns or movies like Vacation with Chevy Chase and Seems Like Old Times with Chevy Chase, Charles Grodin, and Goldie Hawn, or sign up for Laugh Yoga classes, try to incorporate laughter into your daily routine. Laughter–it does a body good!

“Water is a teacher, a healer, a mirror. The turbulence of the world, the calm of your soul, the river of life moving through you.”

“When I sit here by the sea and listen to the sound of the waves, I feel free from all obligations and people of the world.” Henry Thoreau

The water is my happy place, be it the ocean, a lake or pool. I grew up near Atlantic Beach and spent idyllic summers in the ocean, jumping the waves with my twin sister, mom and dad.

We would be ravenous after all that exercise and fresh air and my dad would pack enormous lunches enough to feed any who were hungry. There would be egg salad with olives and dill, tuna salad with chopped onion and celery or deli sandwiches on fresh twisted challah rolls and pumpernickel. Most of my memories involve food, of course. Always the foodie.

When we married, George and I rented an apartment in Long Beach, overlooking the beach. As a new inexperienced (and nervous) mother, I would stroll on the boardwalk with newborn Jamie to calm myself. The ocean always performed its magic for me. The sound of the waves and the squawking of the seagulls always brought me a sense of peace and contentedness.

Later, after Keith was born, we would spend at least one week every summer in Naples Maine, where George had gone to summer camp as a child. We rented a cabin and swam every day in Long Lake, a beautiful, scenic but chilly lake that provided endless hours of joy and fun. Years later, when studying for the NYS Bar Exam, I would picture the serene lake and me sitting on the dock to relieve the stress I was experiencing.

Food memories come back from those trips to Maine–warm, freshly made cinnamon donuts and delicious hot coffee in the morning and steamed lobster nightly at the lobster pound, so messy that you had to be hosed down at the end of dinner along with your plastic table cloth! In addition, homemade coffee ice cream from Sandy’s Flight Deck, a restaurant that also offered seaplane rides to excited children.

Swimming has always been my exercise of choice (after Zumba and salsa dancing). I was a confident swimmer and the pool was my place to work out and destress. I consistently swam laps and to this day try and swim for an hour daily, weather permitting.

“She loves the serene brutality of the ocean, loves the electric power she feels with each breath of wet, briny air.” Holly Blake, “Tithe”

Why do we love the water so? What does the beach do to our brain? Research finds that spending time by the ocean is good for your well being. In fact, according to data published in the journal “Health Place”, those who live by the coast report better physical and mental health than those who don’t. Participants who live in homes with ocean views report feeling calmer than those who don’t. No wonder Hawaii has earned “happiest US state ranking six times since 2008.

How does the beach boost your mood?

1. The color blue is found to be associated with feelings of calm and peace. Staring at the ocean changes our brain waves frequency and puts us in a mild meditative state.
2. The ebbing and flowing of the waves de-stimulates our brain. The noises and visuals activates our parasympathetic nervous system and allows us to feel more relaxed and engaged.
3. The smell of the ocean breeze contributes to our soothed state which relates to negative ions in the air.
4. Touching the warm sand causes us to relax.
5. To stay in the zone while at the beach, we need to exercise mindfulness (no Instagram or texting), close your eyes and listen to the ocean waves rolling in and out. Be aware of your senses…..focus on what it feels like to have your feet in the sand, breathe deeply and smell the ocean air.

For me too, looking out at the water reminds me of how small I am and how inconsequential my problems are in comparison to the ocean’s vastness. It helps me put life in perspective and stay in the moment.

“Have you also learned that secret from the river; that there is no such thing as time? That the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source, at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains everywhere and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past, nor the shadow of the future.” Hermann Hesse, “Siddhartha”

“I have lived a thousand lives and I have loved a thousand loves. I’ve walked on distant worlds and seen the end of time….. Because I read.” George R. R. Martin

“Daddy, read us some more of “The Bobbsey Twins”, please, please!” My journey with books began at an early age. From the age of three or four, my dad would read to my twin sister and me from our favorite book each night before bed. At age seven my mom took me (not my sister) to the library to read about going to the hospital for my eye surgery. It was important to her that I be prepared and see that other children had to do this too. (Unlike my neighbor who told her four year old son he was going to the circus and instead he ended up in the hospital having his tonsils removed)! You can’t make that up.

I graduated to chapter books like Cherry Ames, nurse series and of course my beloved mystery series Nancy Drew. I still love mystery books and have read many series such as all of Sue Grafton’s books as an adult reader.

The library was my sanctuary, a quiet place to explore and learn, a place where you could get lost in someone else’s world for awhile. The tween years were difficult and books helped to navigate through this time. My favorite book was “The Pink Dress” by Anne Alexander. It dealt with a fourteen year old girl and how her life turned upside down the night she attended her school’s Peppermint Prom (in of course, the pink dress), and the coolest boy in junior high asked her to dance.

It was published in 1959 and recently issued on Kindle for $19.99 after sought after copies were selling for between $200.00 and $800.00. I guess I wasn’t the only one who loved the book. It was my first foray into romance like the movie “Sixteen Candles” was for my daughter Jamie.

Similarly, I remember loving the Rosamond Du Jardin books about twin sisters Penny and Pam Howard: “Double Date”, “Double Feature”, “Double Wedding” (you get the idea), all written in the 1950’s. (By the way, the hardcover of “Double Wedding” sells for $80.00 on Amazon if you choose to buy it for your granddaughter).

What fun to revisit the 1950’s. If our grandchildren read these books, it would be like historical fiction to them. How things were for young people in that era. Simple stories, nice escape from modern times. The mindset of the 1950’s was so different. In “The Pink Dress”, it was actually written that “girls don’t call boys because it cheapens them”. What??????

Things seemed much simpler in some respects….stay at home moms, dads who arrived home at the same time each night for family dinner with one telephone located in the kitchen for the whole family. The books did deal with the issues that repeat themselves throughout the generations–adolescent dilemmas like girls and boys and popularity and dating.

It makes me happy that my ten year old grandson Jesse shares my passion for reading (and writing). It seems to have skipped a generation. His vocabulary and grammar are very advanced for fourth grade due to the fact that he reads extensively. He loves basketball and other sports, but also loves sitting on his bed and reading. As Dr. Seuss told us :”The more you read, the more you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go”.

As an adult, my taste runs more towards historical fiction as “the historical novelist exposes the reader to inner lives of people across time and place and in doing so, illuminates history’s untold stories, allowing the reader to experience a more complex truth.”

“Anya, by Susan Fromberg Schaeffer was a book I devoured in my early thirties that had a tremendous impact on me, so much so that I wrote a letter to the author. I could not get Anya out of my head. Maybe it was because it was one of the first books I had read about the Holocaust, or maybe it was so descriptive of places and feelings in exquisite detail that you felt as if you were with Anya in the ghetto in Poland. It was called a “triumph of realism in art” by the New York Times Book Review. I ordered a copy from Thrift Books and plan to reread it when it arrives to see if I still feel the magic.

Finally, my recent historical fiction read was equally unforgettable. “The Four Winds”, by Kristin Hannah took place in a period of time about which I knew very little. It was set in the 1930’s during the Dust Bowl in Texas at the time of The Great Depression. The book focuses on Elsa Martinelli and her daughter Loreda as they try to survive the complete destruction of life as they knew it.

When Elsa’s weak husband abandons them, and her young son almost dies from dust pneumonia, Elsa moves the family from Dust Bowl devastated Texas to California for a better life. She quickly finds that the supposed land of milk and honey does not treat these migrants (or Okies) with kindness or dignity. Like “Anya”, “The Four Winds” deals with a terrible time in history, an enduring battle between the haves and the have nots. In both novels, the hardships, losses, lack of basic necessities and shameful prejudice are hard to witness.

But the overriding message in both books in that human beings can survive against all odds and that love for the family survives everything. Anya, and Loreda and her mom become fiercely strong women and this theme seems to connect the historical fiction I enjoy most.

Loreda speaking about her mother Elsa is so eloquent and powerful: “Her story, which is the story of a time, and a land and the indomitable will of a people is my story; two lives woven together, and like any good story, ours will begin and end and begin again. Love is what remains.”

I must add a footnote that the author added at the end of “The Four Winds”. “As I write this book, it is May, 2020 and the world is battling the coronavirus pandemic. Three years ago, I began writing this novel about hard times in America; the worst environmental disaster in our history; the collapse of the economy; the effect of massive unemployment. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the Great Depression would become so relevant in our modern lives, that I would see so many people out of work, in need and frightened for the future.” I guess history does repeat itself.

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