Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” Maya Angelou

It’s September. The kids are back to school, well sort of. The town swimming pools are closed. Bye Bye summer. It’s almost fall, the season that stirs up our love/hate relationship with change.

Which brings me to a conversation I recently had with a good friend about that very subject–change. This friend is going through a lot now due in part to the economic impact of Covid 19. Sound familiar? Of course it does. My friend asserts that she does not like change and that some people (me) are just better at handling life’s transitions and don’t mind them.

Well, I reminded my friend that change, while an inevitable part of life, is difficult for everyone, but hopefully helps us to learn and grow. I related the fact that after my divorce at age 52, I moved five times in six years, and how burdensome and stressful that experience was. Change does involve risk taking and sometimes mistake making.

By way of example, my twin urged me to sell my condo and move up to Westchester to live with her and her husband Doug. Jill convinced me that I would have a better life in Chappaqua (with more opportunity to meet an eligible, rich guy). I retired from my teaching job (more about that later); sold my condo, put my furniture in storage, and headed north for my new life. I lasted from September to December.

It was a real learning experience complete with anxiety attacks and regrets. I loved my sister and her husband, but that was her life, not mine. I learned that the grass is not always greener as they say and that I was not grateful enough for my own life. I moved back to my condo complex and slept on my friend Debby’s couch for months until I bought my own new place. Lesson learned.

Two positive things resulted, however. I retired from teaching at a time before our district’s contract was to be renegotiated (a fact I was aware of). I was able to take advantage of the then current contract which provided the ability to continue full health insurance benefits for only 7.5% of the cost for life. Lucky me. What a benefit that has been! Second, Jill was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer after I moved back. I was able to spend my sister’s last five months with her and her children and husband. What a blessing!

Once I bought the new condo, I had a better appreciation of the life and friends I had in my own town. Change involves not only risk taking, and mistake making, but also planning and preparation. I made sure to purchase long term care insurance and to find a good financial planner to be able to take care of myself as a single woman and not have to depend on my children.

With regard to my friend’s insistence that some people handle change more easily than others, I brought up the idea of resiliency. What is resiliency and why is it so important? It is the ability to overcome challenges of all kinds–trauma, tragedy, personal crises and plain old everyday life problems and bounce back stronger, wiser and more personally powerful. It is important because this is what we need to manage life’s inevitable difficulties.

While certain factors might make some individuals more resilient than others, it isn’t necessarily a personality trait that only some people possess. On the contrary, resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and actions anyone can learn and develop. Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time and intentionality. Focus on four core components: connection, wellness, healthy thinking and meaning can empower you to withstand and learn from difficult experiences.

1. Build your connections: Don’t isolate yourself; connect with empathetic people.
2. Foster wellness: Taking care of your body with proper nutrition and regular exercise can strengthen your body to adapt to stress and reduce anxiety and depression. Practicing mindfulness (yoga, meditation) can restore hope. Avoid negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to mask your pain.
3. Find purpose: Volunteering and helping others empowers you to grow in resilience.
4. Be proactive: Ask yourself, “what can I do about my problem?” For example, if you are laid off, work on developing your strengths and revising your resume.
5. Move toward your goal: develop realistic goals and do something every day.
6. Embrace healthy thoughts: how you think plays a significant part in how you feel and how resilient you are when faced with obstacles.

Remember, you can’t change the stressful event, but you can change how you respond to it. Accept that change is a part of life. Try to visualize what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. Have gratitude for what is good in your life and focus on the positive rather than what is lacking. Finally, seek professional help when you need it from a psychologist or social worker.

I love the words of Jodi Piccoult from My Sister’s Keeper with regard to resilience:

“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo–far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance”. Stay strong. XO Penny