Forgiveness: Give it a Try

“Forgiveness sets you free. It releases you from the constraints of past wounds. When you forgive, you refuse to let the darkness into your soul. This helps you make space for love.” Margaret Manning

My ex-husband was in NY visiting my children and grandson this past week from Arizona. Those of you who follow my blog know a bit about George from my posts. Not all of it is positive. But I have to admit, I enjoyed spending time with all of them and my children commented on how nice it was for them now that we get along. I never thought that would happen!

Married for thirty-two years and divorced since 2003, I held anger and resentment for too long–about finances, dishonesty and infidelity–you know the drill. I never thought I could let it all go.

But two life events happened that helped me to forgive. We had a grandson in 2010 who we both cherish, and my son’s illness in 2017. George was here when my son was hospitalized during that entire period. We leaned on each other and had a common goal. I forgot about the past hurts and resentment. Life’s calamities will do that to you.

What is forgiveness and why is it so important? Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who have harmed us, even if they don’t deserve it. It’s not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps and often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.

In “Eight Keys to Forgiveness”, the author Robert Enright talks about “becoming forgivingly fit” or building up your forgiving heart muscle slowly incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life. Make a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who have hurt you. (That’s a tough one)! If you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.

Similarly, Dr. Tyler VanderWeele at Harvard School of Public Health advises practicing small acts in everyday life to get more comfortable with forgiveness. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic or is rude, use the moment to recognize it wasn’t directed at you personally and forgive him/her on the spot. This way you can learn to immediately stop negative reactions and feelings that come with it.

Why is it so difficult for some to forgive? Sometimes the negative feelings we hold for others become part of our personal history. We can’t let them go because they are part of us.

Likewise, negative deeds of others can become excuses we use to explain why our lives ended up a certain way. Forgiving others requires us to take responsibility for our own lives again, which can be difficult.

Forgive for your own good. Harboring anger and resentment leads the body to release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline whenever the offending person comes to mind. A steady stream of those chemicals can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, dampen creativity and problem solving along with physical ailments.

Forgiveness helps us grow as a person as we exercise goodness, increasing self esteem and helps us heal and move on in life with meaning and purpose. In addition to personal benefits, modeling forgiveness for others may lead to intergenerational and even societal improvements. And God knows, we need some of that right now!

Mahatma Gandhi said “the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong”.

From The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone. They let you down. You know they’ve hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you baby, cause life goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside baby….

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but everything changes and my friends seem to scatter. But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don’t love me anymore!