How Do We Mourn the Loss of an Adult Sibling?

“ To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s ’ hearts. We share private jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the truth of time…” Clare Ortega

My good friend of over 40 years lost her brother this week. It started me thinking about how we can survive such a loss. I don’t use the word recover because we never recover—we are never the same, but we do go on and can sometimes grow from the experience.

If you follow my blog, you know that it is dedicated to my twin sister Jill who lost her battle with a rare form of cancer 11 years ago. April 19th, we should be celebrating a big birthday together, but it was not meant to be.

Grief is a natural response to the loss of a brother or sister, but adult siblings are sometimes called “forgotten mourners” or that they suffer “disenfranchised grief”. This is because sympathy is extended more to other family members such as parents, spouse and children. They don’t always receive the support necessary to heal.

I finally learned the difference between mourning and grieving. To grieve is to experience feelings of loss inside you, while to mourn is to express your grief outside yourself.

Why is the loss especially difficult?

1. Loss of a long term relationship: Your stories began together and were intimately intertwined for years. You are experiencing the loss of a friend, a confidante, a protector with whom you shared so many memories. You grieve the loss of your past relationship! My sister was my best friend and confidante. Jill was also my protector when we were growing up. I wore glasses from the age of 3. She threatened to beat up a much older and bigger bully on the school bus for calling me 4 eyes and stealing my glasses. The roles reversed when she got sick and I became her protector.

2. Loss of a future with your sibling: You have lost the part that your brother or sister would have played in your future. Every Thanksgiving, birthday, birth of my grandson Jesse, birth of her grandson Jasper and the birth of her new granddaughter this coming August are bittersweet. We had a plan that when her husband died (of course before her), we would live together like the Golden Girls.

3. Seeking a new identity:Your sibling made up a part of the unbroken wholeness that defines who you are and your role in the family. This was especially difficult as a twin. Twins often report a sense of being halved after their twin has died. Without my sister, I did not feel whole. I sought and received support from an organization called “Twinless Twins”.

4. Feelings of guilt: Sibling relationships can be complicated involving love and affection as well as jealousy. You may feel guilty about what you said or didn’t say. Fortunately, I did not experience this type of guilt. I did experience survivor guilt, however. Why did Jill develop cancer and I remained healthy. Her response was “it was my journey, not yours”.

How can we heal? First, embrace the healing power of linking objects. These are items that belonged to or remind you of your sibling who died. This will help you embrace the pain of your loss and move you toward feeling better. Display these objects in your home as a way to honor your feelings of love and loss. Jill’s salt and pepper shakers are on my table and remind me of her at every meal. I have the Burberry plaid coat that my sister bought me (because everyone needs a Burberry coat) in the closet, and will never give it away. It is way too small for me now. I wear her Chinese silk bathrobe which still smells faintly of Shalimar, her favorite perfume.

Honor your sibling by contributing to specific charities he/she supported or start a scholarship fund in his/her name. Finally, embrace the process of reconciliation. Mourners don’t recover from grief. Instead, we become reconciled to it. In other words, we learn to live with it and are forever changed by it. Mourners often not only heal but grow through grief. We can only achieve reconciliation, if we actively express and receive support for our grief. Cry, journal, seek counseling. “Choose to mourn, Choose to heal. Choose to love fully again.

“Your love does not end with the death of your brother or sister. You can and will carry your sibling into the future, always remembering your past and what he or she brought to the dance of your life”. I know that Jill is always with me every time I see pennies in random places.

Resources

Healing the Adult Sibling’s Grieving Heart by Dr. Alan Wolfelt