Living Alone and Loving It

It all started with Marvin Gaye. You are now scratching your head and thinking how does living alone relate to Marvin Gaye and where is she going with this? His song “What’s Going On”, which was released in 1971, has been played a lot lately. It is a wonderful song which is indisputably relevant today. Marvin Gaye’s masterpiece began as a reaction to police brutality and its 50th anniversary coincides with the first anniversary of the most blatant example of police brutality filmed for the world to see!

The year 1971, 50th anniversary. OMG. I would have been married fifty years this month had we not divorced in 2003 (we made it to 32 years). I salute all my friends who are at or near their fiftieth year together. I am happy for all of you.

But I remember how terrible George was at nurturing and caring for me (or his mother, or anyone for that matter). When my eye was bleeding, he dropped me off at the doctor’s office, too busy to wait with me as he had an important business meeting. When I had an allergic reaction to clams and scotch and was vomiting into a wastebasket, he told me that it was anxiety. He left me alone in the house and went flying with his friend. My friend Elayne took me to the hospital. When my back went out and I had to crawl to the bathroom, he left for work without bringing me any breakfast. You get the picture! If we were still married guess who would be taking care of whom?

This blog post, however, is not about George’s shortcomings as a husband or about my jubilation that we will not be celebrating on June 27th. It is about why I choose to live alone at this stage of my life and why I enjoy it. And I have discovered that I am not alone in feeling this way.

In 1981, Lynn Shahan, an educator and guidance counselor wrote a book entitled “Living Alone and Liking It”. It was a best seller and described as a survival guide for single life combining Dear Abby and Dale Carnegie. Her perspective, however, was that no one would actually choose to live alone if they had an alternative and her book dealt with how to make the best of a bad situation.

Some things haven’t changed since 1981; loneliness is the first sensation that most new singles feel and the suggestions back then are the same ones psychologists suggest today: develop new hobbies, make new friends, take classes and join groups that meet your interests.

What has changed is the number of people living alone. Fifteen million single person households were reported during the 1977 census, double the number from 1960. In 2016, an estimated 36 million single person households were in the U.S. Something else that has changed is the number of older Americans who choose to live alone. There is even a new term–aging in place. Nearly 30% of 46 million older people who live in a community (as opposed to a nursing home)live alone. About one half the people 85 and older live alone.

In her book entitled “Living Alone and Loving It”, Barbara Feldon (Secret Agent 99 from Get Smart), wrote eloquently about her joy in living alone. It took her awhile to get there, though.

“Living alone deserves our praise. It is an opportunity to take the raw material of time and sculpt it like Play Doh. We can bask in a pool of solitude or invite the world to join us. We can create, travel, learn and change direction as playfully as sea otters; we can discover who we are and freely strive toward whom we might become. Most beautifully, living alone is an invitation to freely connect with others. Living alone wins hands down in terms of personal blossoming and rewarding friendships”.

Similarly, in an article in AARP entitled “9 Myths About Living Alone”, Eric Klinenberg, a psychologist debunked the following myths:

1. Older people living alone are lonely, unhappy and isolated: A study of 3,000 Americans aged 57 to 85 discovered that those who live alone are more likely to socialize with friends and neighbors than their married peers.
2. Aging alone leaves people extra-vulnerable if their health fails: Not true. Single people who have built strong social networks (most do) turn to their friends to support them in times of illness.
3. Women who live alone are dying to get married: Nope. Single life is a more attractive option than marriage with an unsatisfactory partner. Older women, especially widows who nursed a dying spouse often decline a boyfriend’s marriage proposal. They are more interested in having someone to go out with than someone to come home to.

Some interesting comments were made with regard to this topic in the San Clemente Times. Tom Blake asked his e-newsletter readers for their opinions on whether single women 65 plus prefer to live alone. I loved these:

“Humans our age are set in their ways. Sex is nice but not necessary (at least for women).” I don’t know that I agree with that one!

“Separation of incomes becomes tricky and sharing of living space–unless the space is huge–would be difficult”.

“I know many older women who want companionship but are worried about living together. Many are afraid of taking on household chores or losing financial independence.”

“I was married for 42 wonderful years and was caregiver for the last 6 years of my husband’s life. I have no desire to live with another man. I enjoy male company but do not want to share my home.”

“I would live with a man for a few days each week plus trips and adventures. But full time? No thank you. I am too independent and happy.”

“It’s a trade-off. We get a roof, they get a slave. Not for me. My ex never cleaned his toilet. He never cleaned anything but his car every Sunday morning which prevented him from going to church with me.” Hah!

“No, once is enough. Can’t see how any man over 60 could offer anything that would make moving in worthwhile.”

Or my mother-in-law’s view that “I don’t want to be a nurse or a purse!”

As for me,I like to be alone. I enjoy the freedom and the solitude. My dog Linus is a good companion and gets me up and walking a few times a day. He gives me unconditional love, listens to me sing (offkey), explain, complain and never criticizes me and I can do no wrong in his eyes. I love the fact that I don’t have to consult someone else to eat, sleep, watch my guilty pleasure show “Married at First Sight Australia” or eat pretzels in bed (George’s pet peeve was crumbs in the bed).

I am lucky. I have the best of both worlds. I have a wonderful companion in Rich and my own space and peaceful existence when I get home at night. I wouldn’t have it any other way! XO Penny