Ode to My Dolly Revisited

“Sister. She is your mirror shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and your best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink…” Barbara Alpert

Today marks the thirteenth anniversary

of my twin sister Jill’s (a/k/a Dolly) death. It seems unfathomable that so many years have passed without her and I am still standing. I recently found and read a letter I had written in my journal to her after she died. “It is now a month and nine days since your death. My grief is overwhelming; my heart is broken. I know that you are in a better, wonderful place and that does comfort me. I couldn’t watch you suffer one more day, but I am truly lost without you.”

Jill was worried about leaving me behind, I was told later by two different mediums, Jeffrey Wands and the Psychic Sisters. Jill came through and admitted that she knew I wanted to be the sick one, rather than her, but it was her journey, not mine.

I saw a quote that summed up my feeling then pretty well. “I do not see as well without her. I do not hear as well without her. I would be better off without a hand or leg than without my sister”. What I miss most about Jill is speaking to her every day. She was my confidante, my best friend. We would stay on the phone for hours always telling stories, singing songs (she would accompany us on the guitar), laughing.

We were always together as children, the only siblings. We shared a bedroom, even when our parents fixed up the guest room and encouraged one of us to move. My heart hurt when I left her to go to Syracuse University my freshman year. Jill attended a junior college outside of Boston for her first two years. That year was difficult for me and I spent a lot of time drowning my sorrows at the candy machine eating Milky Ways and gained the dreaded freshman 15. Mid way through the year, I decided to transfer to Boston University and we spent our last two years together on the same floor in the dorm and graduated together. Those were wonderful years and I have fond memories of time spent with two Harvard suitemates!

A second difficult transition came when Jill and family moved to London for four years due to Doug’s employment opportunity. I was devastated at the news. How could I survive the separation? I remember basting the turkey the first Thanksgiving with a mixture of sweet butter and salty tears. They came home summers for a visit and I visited London and we made it through with even some growth for me. I remember getting a call from the phone company when Jill had emergency surgery in London asking if all those calls were made by me. We managed to stay in touch through it all!

We had planned to spend our golden years together; I was divorced and Jill planned to outlive her husband. Life doesn’t go according to plans. Dame Judi Dench, on the death of her husband opined, “It changes who you are completely, because it’s like you are walking along and you’re not looking and there’s an enormous chasm in front of you. I don’t expect you ever get used to it.” Barbara Bush discussing her twin sister Jenna Hager Bush said “a sister is someone who will walk next to you always.” I miss Jill walking beside me!
I am reposting this blog from last year. It never gets easier. My life goes on without my twin but there is a void that will never be filled. Rest In Peace my sweet Dolly.