Aging Naturally

It all started with Marvin Gaye. You are now scratching your head and thinking how does living alone relate to Marvin Gaye and where is she going with this? His song “What’s Going On”, which was released in 1971, has been played a lot lately. It is a wonderful song which is indisputably relevant today. Marvin Gaye’s masterpiece began as a reaction to police brutality and its 50th anniversary coincides with the first anniversary of the most blatant example of police brutality filmed for the world to see!

The year 1971, 50th anniversary. OMG. I would have been married fifty years this month had we not divorced in 2003 (we made it to 32 years). I salute all my friends who are at or near their fiftieth year together. I am happy for all of you.

But I remember how terrible George was at nurturing and caring for me (or his mother, or anyone for that matter). When my eye was bleeding, he dropped me off at the doctor’s office, too busy to wait with me as he had an important business meeting. When I had an allergic reaction to clams and scotch and was vomiting into a wastebasket, he told me that it was anxiety. He left me alone in the house and went flying with his friend. My friend Elayne took me to the hospital. When my back went out and I had to crawl to the bathroom, he left for work without bringing me any breakfast. You get the picture! If we were still married guess who would be taking care of whom?

This blog post, however, is not about George’s shortcomings as a husband or about my jubilation that we will not be celebrating on June 27th. It is about why I choose to live alone at this stage of my life and why I enjoy it. And I have discovered that I am not alone in feeling this way.

In 1981, Lynn Shahan, an educator and guidance counselor wrote a book entitled “Living Alone and Liking It”. It was a best seller and described as a survival guide for single life combining Dear Abby and Dale Carnegie. Her perspective, however, was that no one would actually choose to live alone if they had an alternative and her book dealt with how to make the best of a bad situation.

Some things haven’t changed since 1981; loneliness is the first sensation that most new singles feel and the suggestions back then are the same ones psychologists suggest today: develop new hobbies, make new friends, take classes and join groups that meet your interests.

What has changed is the number of people living alone. Fifteen million single person households were reported during the 1977 census, double the number from 1960. In 2016, an estimated 36 million single person households were in the U.S. Something else that has changed is the number of older Americans who choose to live alone. There is even a new term–aging in place. Nearly 30% of 46 million older people who live in a community (as opposed to a nursing home)live alone. About one half the people 85 and older live alone.

In her book entitled “Living Alone and Loving It”, Barbara Feldon (Secret Agent 99 from Get Smart), wrote eloquently about her joy in living alone. It took her awhile to get there, though.

“Living alone deserves our praise. It is an opportunity to take the raw material of time and sculpt it like Play Doh. We can bask in a pool of solitude or invite the world to join us. We can create, travel, learn and change direction as playfully as sea otters; we can discover who we are and freely strive toward whom we might become. Most beautifully, living alone is an invitation to freely connect with others. Living alone wins hands down in terms of personal blossoming and rewarding friendships”.

Similarly, in an article in AARP entitled “9 Myths About Living Alone”, Eric Klinenberg, a psychologist debunked the following myths:

1. Older people living alone are lonely, unhappy and isolated: A study of 3,000 Americans aged 57 to 85 discovered that those who live alone are more likely to socialize with friends and neighbors than their married peers.
2. Aging alone leaves people extra-vulnerable if their health fails: Not true. Single people who have built strong social networks (most do) turn to their friends to support them in times of illness.
3. Women who live alone are dying to get married: Nope. Single life is a more attractive option than marriage with an unsatisfactory partner. Older women, especially widows who nursed a dying spouse often decline a boyfriend’s marriage proposal. They are more interested in having someone to go out with than someone to come home to.

Some interesting comments were made with regard to this topic in the San Clemente Times. Tom Blake asked his e-newsletter readers for their opinions on whether single women 65 plus prefer to live alone. I loved these:

“Humans our age are set in their ways. Sex is nice but not necessary (at least for women).” I don’t know that I agree with that one!

“Separation of incomes becomes tricky and sharing of living space–unless the space is huge–would be difficult”.

“I know many older women who want companionship but are worried about living together. Many are afraid of taking on household chores or losing financial independence.”

“I was married for 42 wonderful years and was caregiver for the last 6 years of my husband’s life. I have no desire to live with another man. I enjoy male company but do not want to share my home.”

“I would live with a man for a few days each week plus trips and adventures. But full time? No thank you. I am too independent and happy.”

“It’s a trade-off. We get a roof, they get a slave. Not for me. My ex never cleaned his toilet. He never cleaned anything but his car every Sunday morning which prevented him from going to church with me.” Hah!

“No, once is enough. Can’t see how any man over 60 could offer anything that would make moving in worthwhile.”

Or my mother-in-law’s view that “I don’t want to be a nurse or a purse!”

As for me,I like to be alone. I enjoy the freedom and the solitude. My dog Linus is a good companion and gets me up and walking a few times a day. He gives me unconditional love, listens to me sing (offkey), explain, complain and never criticizes me and I can do no wrong in his eyes. I love the fact that I don’t have to consult someone else to eat, sleep, watch my guilty pleasure show “Married at First Sight Australia” or eat pretzels in bed (George’s pet peeve was crumbs in the bed).

I am lucky. I have the best of both worlds. I have a wonderful companion in Rich and my own space and peaceful existence when I get home at night. I wouldn’t have it any other way! XO Penny

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends; make it last forever; friendship never ends.” from 1996 Spice Girls break-through single “Wannabe”

My boyfriend Rics adorable four year old granddaughter Averie has a new mantra “girl power”. She recites it as she heads down the soccer field attempting to score a goal (sometimes heading in the wrong direction to the other team’s goal), and loves to wear the “Girl Power” tee shirts from Poppa.

What is the phenomenon of “girl power” and where did the term originate? I did some research and learned some interesting (and unknown to me) facts. The term “girl power” came from the mid 1990’s and the Spice Girls. At that time, girls just knew which Spice Girl they wanted to be (Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice or Baby Spice) and young girls all over the country were dressing up, singing their lyrics and shouting “girl power” with enthusiasm.

Their message was a clear sign of the times–loud and bold. Women across pop culture during that era were singing and shouting about being unapologetic for the way they chose to live their lives.

Mel B. from the Spice Girls defined “girl power” as follows: “A message for women supporting other women no matter what background you come from, no matter what you look like. It’s about embracing the fact that you’re a woman especially back then and especially now and women need the support.”

It’s about inner confidence and strength; the ability to be recognized as someone with knowledge, talent and skills to make a difference in whatever role they desire and achieve that goal. I love that my “almost daughter” Lindsay is teaching her four year old that she can be whatever she chooses as long as she tries hard.

Contributors to an article from “The Branding Man”, an opinion piece from women growing up during the “Spice Girls” era summed it up eloquently:

“That you shouldn’t hate thick thighs, strong arms or pudgy stomach on yourself or on another woman. That you should be allowed to be confident, talkative and want to get things done without being called emotional or bossy. That you are beautiful just the way you are and shouldn’t change for anyone. That your body is your property and you can do whatever you want with it and no one can tell you otherwise. That you should stand up for what’s right and hold your head up high when doing so.” I know these are things I struggled with thinking or doing on a daily basis growing up. I wish my mom had shared these values and philosophies with me!

I always believed in the importance of women helping and supporting on another. That got me thinking about girl (women) power and the importance of sharing knowledge with other women. I love this quote from Margaret Fuller, “If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it”.

This is one reason I love writing my blog posts and sharing information and points of view with my readers. I have been receiving many compliments lately on my skin and I do feel it is looking better than it has in a long time. I am trying to eat more plant based meals and that could be part of it. My friend Carole, the esthetician who works at Sephora in the mall commented a few weeks ago, inquiring if I tried Botox. (I did not)! Some women in my condo complex (ranging in age from late 20’s to late 70’s asked me if I had good genes or just used good products and could I share my secrets! I have some wrinkles and age spots but my latest skin care finds are definitely helping. Of course I will share with my gal pals (that’s what girl power is all about)!

My most recent discovery is It Cosmetics Hello Results Retinol serum cream It is amazing. A pea sized amount covers your full face, neck and decollete. It smells like citrus, is not drying and doesn’t cause peeling like most other retinols and works wonders fairly quickly. It is one of their newer products and has received rave reviews. It is $69.00 on QVC and on Itcosmetics.com but last week was on sale for $48.00 at Ulta. It is worth every penny. If you want to spend less money on retinol, go to Colormebeautiful.com. Adrian Arpel has retinol capsules for nighttime and vitamin c capsules for morning together for $36.00 for both called 24-Hour Beauty Sensation. I do receive a small commission on those sales. If you go to the website directly, you can add my name as your affiliate. I have been using their Vitamin C capsules religiously every morning after I cleanse.

Don’t forget this important rule. If you are using retinol at night, you must use an SPF of at least 30 during the day. Retinol tends to make your skin even more photosensitive. All the good that the retinol is doing with regard to fading sunspots and lessening wrinkles will be undone by the sun the next day if you don’t protect with a high SPF. We should all be using this anyway because the sun is the main cause of premature aging and May is skin cancer/melanoma prevention month.

Another recent beauty find is called Beauty Pie. Their mission is “to make you feel like a kid in a cosmetics candy store. To bring you the fairy tale. To deliver the absolute best in beauty nonstop at prices so amazing, even a splurge is a steal. Because there should be guilt in getting gorgeous”. It’s like Costco for beauty products from all over the world. For example, you can purchase a deluxe angled brow pencil from Germany for $9.43 (retail value $30.00) or a cult status cleanser imported from Japan worth $35.00 for $8.16. You need to become a member and pay $10.00 monthly to access these great deals. It’s fun to browse if you are a beauty junkie like me.

And who doesn’t want to look beautiful at any age? I will leave you with this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, “The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.” Love it! XO Penny

“To keep the body in good health is a duty; otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” Buddha

This past week, we buried my boyfriend’s mother who was almost ninety- three years old and we celebrated my seventy- second birthday without my twin sister who died thirteen years ago of cancer. His mom had been gradually slipping away for almost four years confined to the bed, and suffering from Alzheimer’s disease.

What does this mean for us survivors, aside from the terrible emotional toll the loss causes. Are we doomed to follow in their footsteps and suffer the same end?

According to functional medicine practitioner Dr. Mark Hyman, the answer is a resounding no! Our genes don’t have to determine our destiny. While we can’t change our genetic makeup, we can change how they are expressed. We have the power to influence it. Phew, that’s a relief!

What is functional medicine? Dr. Hyman believes it is the future of conventional medicine available now. It seeks to identify the root causes of disease and views the body as one integrated system, not a collection of independent organs divided up by medical specialties. It treats the whole body system, not just symptoms.

While a conventional doctor names the disease and sends the patient to that specialist, the functional doctor acts like a medical detective to find the underlying causes to restore balance and optimal function in the basic systems of the body.

In his docuseries, “Longevity Roadmap”, Dr. Hyman discusses how quality of sleep, environmental toxins such as mercury and arsenic, poor immune health, processed diet, gut disfunction, inflammation and more can sabotage our healthspan (how long we will live a healthy vibrant life) v. our lifespan (how long we actually live) and what we can do to improve our healthspan. It is an approach to health that relies on taking care of the body to avoid the inevitable diseases of aging like heart disease, cancer, diabetes and dementia.

I grew up in a family that believed in this type of approach to health. My father’s guru was Dr. Abe Shapiro, a Brooklyn chiropractor who according to my dad could cure any ailment one could come up with. So every Saturday morning, for as long as I can remember, we loaded into the car and made the trek from Hewlett to Brooklyn for our adjustments. There were no excuses allowed. Unfortunately, Dr. Shapiro died of leukemia before my dad was diagnosed with his own rare form of cancer. But we hardly ever got colds or viruses as kids.

My dad would leave about fifteen to twenty vitamins on the kitchen table for each of us to take each morning. I just couldn’t swallow that! My parents were also the first to join Jack Lalanne gym when it opened in nearby Woodmere. Like Jack Lalanne, the godfather of fitness, my dad believed in incorporating nutrition into fitness. Jack Lalanne informed the general public how eating a proper diet could change your life. He introduced weight training and nutrition to the masses (even encouraging women, and the disabled and elderly ) to exercise and work out with weights, a bizarre concept at the time. Lalanne was ahead of his time in believing that physical exercise and nutrition would be the salvation of America. If more of us listened, perhaps we would not have one in six people suffering from at least one chronic illness and taking a million pills each day. Functional medicine is based on many of those principles of good nutrition and working out.

Which brings me to my bone to pick with traditional medicine. I went for my annual physical last week and my blood panel revealed a cholesterol score of 262. My HDL was good (75) and the triglycerides were in the normal range as well (90). However, my internist is insistent that I begin to take a statin to lower my cholesterol below 200. After some extensive research, I determined first, that statins can cause many terrible side effects such as muscle damage, muscle weakness, pain and more importantly can increase the risk of diabetes in post-menopausal women by 48%. There is no significant proof that it prevents heart attacks in women unless they have heart disease to begin with.

At my appointment tomorrow, I will ask the doctor to do further testing of my blood (an NMR particle size test) and a calcium MRI test to determine the amount of plaque. I will also alter my diet to eat less carbs, more protein and fruits and veggies and exercise more. I do not want to take this medication and will advise my non-functional medical doctor of my plan tomorrow.

As of now, most functional medicine practitioners do not accept health insurance, which is the main reason I have not switched. However, the Institute for Functional Medicine claims that insurance based models are likely to become more mainstream as both evidence and demand for functional medicine is growing and gaining popularity.

As for me, I intend to keep following Dr. Mark Hyman’s podcast “The Doctor’s Farmacy”, keep reading his books on nutrition and food such as “The Pegan Diet” and “Food: What the Heck Should I Eat?”. I will continue to rely on his docuseries “Longevity Roadmap”. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. Like Dr. Hyman, I want my healthspan to match my lifespan.

“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.” Mahatma Gandhi

“I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times before; but in my dreams I couldn’t love you more. I will give you my heart until the end of time. You’re all I need, my love, my valentine.” Valentine by Martina McBride

Remember the song “You Are My Destiny” released by Paul Anka in 1957. All you young people are scratching your collective heads at this point thinking 1957? Anyway, with Valentine’s day approaching, I have been thinking about the concept of beshert (Yiddish word) meaning destiny. Do we only have one soul mate predetermined for us in this life? What happens if it doesn’t work out? Are we doomed?

In the book “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle, she describes meeting her love. For many years she denied her own discontent in her traditional marriage. While speaking at a writers’ conference Doyle looked at a woman across the room and fell instantly in love. Three words flooded her mind. There She Is. At first, she assumed these words came to her from on high. But Doyle soon realized that the words came to her from within. This was her own voice–the one she had “buried beneath decades of numbing addictions, cultural conditioning, and institutional allegiances”. This was the voice of the girl she had been before the world told her who to be. Her destiny perhaps……

Recently, I heard a different version of a story of beshert from my dental assistant. There I was, mouth agape gagging with sufficient mush (a technical term) for impressions for new Invisalign braces (lucky me). This beautiful young woman is trying to distract me from my misery with the story of how she met her husband. A seventeen year old native Californian, she was helping out at a retreat for Jehovah’s Witness in New Jersey. She met an older guy from Long Island who seemed pleasant enough, but she was not interested in dating anyone. Over a ten year period of time, they meet by chance at various events sponsored by Jehovah’s Witness in different parts of the U.S. It seems that the man has loved her from the beginning; they finally date long distance, fall in love and marry, now living on Long Island. By the end of the story, I was crying. I shouted, “he was your beshert”.

According to a JDate poll, 46% of singles believe there is one right person in the world for them, compared to 34% who disagreed.(20% were undecided). For those who believe, how on earth will you recognize yours? People report feeling these common things when they first meet their soul mate:

1. Time stands still.
2. You get the feeling you’ve known each other before.
3. You have similar values.
4. There are many commonalities.
5. There is a deep mutual acceptance.
6. You have the ability to help each other grow.
7. Obstacles don’t matter; you still want to be together. In both the case of Glennon Doyle and the dental assistant, the couples lived on opposite coasts of the country but still made it work.

A good way to attract your soul mate is to be spiritually open and willing to grow and learn. You need to be mature enough to know yourself on a deep level so that you can recognize who will complement you and look beyond external factors.

The concept of beshert, for those who believe in it is much more than finding love by being in the right place at the right time. It is fulfilling your personal destiny, and thus playing your part in the destiny of the world (Remember, we are all here for a reason).

Some beliefs about beshert may surprise you. Who will marry who is decided in heaven long before either individual in the couple is born or even a fetus. At the time of conception, an angel asks God who should this soul be matched with and God gives an answer.

God’s answer to the angel’s question, however is not a decree, but a strong suggestion based upon the soulmates’ natural compatibility. Because souls are malleable and can modify themselves, they may create a fit with another soul that may not have been their original half. Your decision who to marry is a free choice (unless you are trying to please your parents).

What if, like me, you don’t get it right the first time. Do you only get one chance to find your beshert? Thankfully, the answer is no. Even though God has a plan for us, we humans have free will. Even besherts can behave in a way that breaks up relationships. Your time with that person was preparing you for the next beshert. That seemed to be the case for me! Wishing you much love and a Happy Valentine’s Day to all! XO Penny

“Anxiety was born in the very same moment as mankind. And since we will never be able to master it, we will have to learn to live with it–just as we have learned to live with storms.” Paulo Coelho

I am no stranger to anxiety; I have experienced it throughout my life. At thirty years old, I began having vertigo-like dizzy spells. Everything seemed to be going along as usual before this occurred. As you can imagine, I consulted every type of specialist imaginable thinking the worst. All physical ailments were ruled out. It was diagnosed as anxiety. But what did I have to be anxious about? I had a lovely life, with a husband and two adorable children. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was keeping my unhappiness and loneliness in my marriage to myself, afraid to admit those scary feelings to myself. My voice was silent, but my body was speaking up.

I did experience two anxiety-related incidents prior to my thirties. One, before my first day of classes at Syracuse University. My throat closed up after eating a hot dog at a freshman mixer. I ended up in the infirmary with a shot of adrenalin. The second incident occurred a few weeks before my wedding with the same scenario. I should have known. It seems my body sends me clues–I hated Syracuse, transferring to Boston University after my first year, and you all know how my marriage turned out.

You could say I was genetically programmed for anxiety attacks. My father, my twin sister and many family members have been afflicted. My mom’s family and friends advised her not to marry my father because of his family’s history of depression. Indeed, according to epidemiologists, one third of the population is affected by anxiety during their lifetime.

My mom was one of the lucky ones; she had difficulty understanding what we went through. That feeling that something wrong is about to happen even though everything seems fine and you have no reason to worry. That pressure on your chest that makes it hard to breathe (even mimicking a heart attack). The racing heart palpitations, dizziness, clamminess, and a myriad of other physical symptoms. The feeling of anticipatory anxiety, that you have even when you are feeling better, that it is always there waiting to rear its ugly head. Anxiety is an emotional/physical response when your thoughts attach to fear.

Anxiety can keep you feeling trapped. When you feel this way, it is difficult to know how or believe you will ever feel better. But studies show that there are six simple steps to defeat anxiety and take back your life.

1. Acknowledge your anxiety: When you hide your feelings, you perpetuate these feelings by assuming it is your fault. Untrue. There is nothing wrong with who you are. You are a valuable, special person who suffers from anxiety. Share your feelings with a friend, family member or your doctor. Medecine and/or therapy may be prescribed. Go to an online support group and share your feelings with others who are also suffering. It’s good to realize that you are not alone.
2. Learn strategies to immediately deal with the symptoms. Mind-body research shows the words you use have a powerful effect on how you feel. Most anxiety sufferers use victim words, e.g. negative words that destroy self esteem and promote a loss of control. These words are can’t, always, never, should. Victim words create a negative self fulfilling prophecy that perpetuate the anxiety and physical symptoms. Acknowledge what you are feeling and tell yourself “I know what this is and I know it will pass”.
3. Replace victim words with power language, e.g. words that promote feelings of self-worth and personal power. Instead of “I can’t control my anxiety” say I can control my anxiety and I am learning skills to conquer it. ” Why do I always feel so anxious” becomes “I often feel anxious but not all of the time.”
4. Tone your inner power daily; it is like a muscle. The more you use it, the more toned it becomes and the more you can accomplish. With practice, these new skills become automatic.
5. Set small goals that you can accomplish to build your confidence. For example, if you want to begin to meditate, start by practicing deep breathing at one minute intervals three or four times a day instead of for a longer period.
6. The perfect time to begin conquering your anxiety is right now. Don’t wait until you are symptom free or feeling energetic. Take the first step.

In the age of Coronavirus, anxiety is high. Our fearful thoughts may actually serve us. They may help us in keeping our distance from others and in being scrupulous about hand washing and masking up. However, one of the most prevalent fears people have is the fear of losing control, e.g. that if you don’t manage to control the outcome of future events, something terrible will happen. The main problem here is the demand for certainty in a world that is tentative and uncertain (surviving a pandemic of this magnitude)

.Losing control was a huge cause of anxiety for me as a single woman living alone, after I fractured my wrists and needed multiple surgeries. I felt helpless and frustrated because I had to rely on my friends and family for everything. In addition, I blamed myself for falling down in the first place. How could I be so careless, not once but twice. Would my wrists ever heal? Would I ever get my life back? What would happen in the future?

First, I learned that we cannot predict with certainty what is by nature, uncertain–the future. I had to resign myself to living with probabilities, not guarantees. My left wrist is still painful at times, my fingers are gnarled on that hand, but luckily I am right hand dominant.

Second, I learned to accept myself as an imperfect being who is inherently subject to making mistakes (and I avoid tripping over speed bumps at all cost).

Third, I learned to stop worrying because only certain things are in my control. Try this exercise by reflecting on what anxious thoughts you have based on unknowns in the future? Ask yourself: What is causing me distress and anxiety? Does it have something to do with my fear of uncertainty and what could go wrong in the future? Try a new way of thinking. ” I am okay in this moment”. Keep your thoughts in the present and release your need to know the future. Accepting uncertainty allows you to remain present in the moment. The more you need to know the future, the more anxious you will become. Dale Carnegie’s words ring true. “Live in day tight compartments”.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor”. Thich Nhat Hanh

“Can you imagine us years from today, sharing a park bench quietly. How terribly strange to be seventy….Time it was and what a time it was. It was, a time of innocence, a time of confidences. Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph. Preserve your memories. They’re all that’s left you”. Simon and Garfunkel Bookends Theme

The Bookends album, one of my favorites, was recorded in 1968, my first year of college. It will always remind me of my twin sister Jill, as we would sing many of the songs together. Why do I wax nostalgic lately? Two events occurred within the past two weeks that inspired this blog post about memories.

I attended the gravesite funeral of a family friend who reached the age of 94 and I re-watched the movie “The Way We Were” with Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford.

“The Way We Were” was released in 1973 and became a smash romantic drama with a grammy winning song of the same name. Seeing the movie again after so many years (omg, has it been 47 years) had me recalling “the way we were”, my life at that time as a 23 year old newly married woman with our beautiful newborn daughter Jamie.

My ex-husband George and I lived in a one bedroom apartment in Long Beach not far from the beach. My parents would come every weekend and we would go for long walks on the boardwalk with Jamie in the carriage. I loved the sound of the seagulls and the sea air, and remember afternoons sitting on the balcony with Jamie and feeling at peace.

As the first of my friends with a baby, I was nervous and unsure of myself as a mom. I was learning to cook at that time and was happy to have my mother close by for frequent phone calls and reassurance that I would not kill my husband if the chicken was a little undercooked. (George, on the other hand, would have been happier if we had lived by the Cross Island Parkway, so that my parents would not visit too often). It’s funny what you remember!

My sister Jill was single and living a totally different lifestyle. She was living in Harlem, studying for her Masters degree at Columbia Teacher’s College. She would take the train out to spend time with us when she was able. Such special memories….

In the movie, Hubbell and Katie (Redford and Streisand) decide to part after the birth of their daughter as she finally understood that he was not the man she idealized when she fell in love with him; she understood too that her husband would always choose the easy way out, whether cheating on the marriage or making drunken excuses for his behavior. Like Katie, at the beginning I had no inclination that I would be divorced at age 52 and have to start over and make a new life for myself.

By contrast, I know a couple who were married in their early twenties and stayed married for 72 years. This is the family friend I mentioned previously. She lost her beloved husband recently at age 92. (He was 94). The funeral was conducted at the gravesite by a woman cantor who had married their granddaughter a year before. The cantor gave a heartfelt sermon and sang beautiful melodies to celebrate our friend’s life. She admitted that she was surprised at the number of people in attendance and that it was a real tribute to the kind of man he was. Family members and friends told stories about the deceased, as a jokester, a songster and a man who loved to play the stock market.

Sharing tales of those we have lost is how we keep from really losing them. Recalling and sharing memories also helps us to connect with others and helps us find meaning in other life events and circumstances. Lois Lowry in “The Giver” says that the worst part of holding the memories is not the pain, but the loneliness of it and that memories need to be shared. I believe that is why I write my blog posts–I get joy in sharing my memories with all of you.

But do we have selective memory? Do our memories change as we age? According to Psychology Today, the answer is yes. Age changes our relationship with time. Our future shortens and our past grows heavier. As Charles Shulz the Peanuts cartoonist remarked, “once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.” Our past was experienced at a time when innumerable potentialities were open to us and now, looking back, they are frozen in time. There is a kind of magic in remembering that gives us a sense of the person we were at one time, with the context we did not have at the time. To advance we must acknowledge the evolution that has taken place in us over time. I am not the same person I was in 1973. If I was the person I am today, I don’t believe I would have stayed in the marriage for 32 years.

Why do we remember things the way we want to remember them sometimes? Mark Twain, in his autobiography wrote “the older I get, the better I was”. Psychology Today again has an answer. As years go by, memories from your past become more and more integrated into your sense of self and become part of the retelling of your life story. The “reality” may fade but their centrality to your sense of self continuously matures over time. Recalling less and less about painful events and more about happy ones may even help you adapt with life challenges you face as you get older.

“Memories may be beautiful and yet, what’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget. So it’s the laughter, we will remember. Whenever we remember, the way we were. The way we were.” Alan Bergman/Marilyn Bergman/Marvin Hamlisch XO Penny

I suffered with not so great skin as a teenager (thanks Dad)! I had pimples and oily skin on my face and back. My mom schlepped me from dermatologist to dermatologist, each having a different remedy. Use salicylic acid; use a sun lamp; take antibiotics; watch your diet e.g. no chocolate or shell fish (iodine); eat all the damn shrimp you want. So confusing! Of course my twin sister Jill had perfect skin–Jill took after my mom. To make me feel better, my mother would often say “Don’t worry. You will be happy when you get older. Your sister will age first”. Little consolation when you are in high school!

Perhaps that is why I am skin care obsessed and have been all my adult life. Don’t you know of people who have psychological scars as children who go on to become psychologists and psychiatrists? Just a theory.

My friends always ask me, “How do I know which products to choose for my skin when there are thousands of products out there”? The important first step is to determine your true skin type. I found an interesting article that streamlines how to identify it and wanted to share it with my readers.

How do we determine your skin type? There are two important factors that go into how our skin looks and having healthy skin: Genetics and environment.

Your genetic skin type which doesn’t change, (again, thanks Dad), and environmental influences like your diet, stress, sun and age. Because your skin can’t tell you what it needs; it can mean dryness, breakouts, redness, or a combination, turning your skin care routine into a guessing game. That is why knowing your skin type is important, because it provides a blueprint to habits and products that will work best for you.

Many people misdiagnose their skin type. It is common to think you have dry skin (genetic) when it is really just dehydrated due to stress or medication (environmental). But I am getting ahead of myself. Here are the steps to finding your skin type.

1. Determine your genetic skin type. This is determined by pore size, the placement of pores on your face as well as the level and rate of oil production, says skin specialist Tara Parenti (Nakedpoppy.com) You can balance it and correct it somewhat through cleansing and moisturizing, but it is with you for good. If you have large pores, as I do, you can’t shrink the size, but you can minimize the appearance. To identify your genetic skin type, simply ask yourself two questions. What time of day do you see oil or shine? and where on your face are the pores larger?
2. Oily skin: if you notice oil or shine on your skin in the morning (or even two hours after you cleanse). Or if you see large pores on a majority of your face. Every skin type has its challenges. Oily skin can mean blackheads (congestion) and requires frequent exfoliation and astringent toners to reduce oil. Oils high in omega 3 and omega 6 fatty acids such as argan oil, jojoba oil, rosehip seed oil will help balance your skin’s excess oil production. No, you don’t need to use oil free products.
3. Combination skin: If your oil and shine picks up in the afternoon and larger pores are located in the T-zone (forehead, nose and chin). This is my skin type and the most common. Let your skin guide you here. If it seems dry, moisturize; if shinier than usual, use toner to balance oil. Your skin may change depending on weather, hormones or diet, so switch it up as needed. For example, I use a foaming cleanser and lightweight gel moisturizer in summer, and a milky, richer cleanser and medium weight moisturizer in winter.
4. Dry skin: If you have minimal oil and shine 24/7, as well as small, barely visible pores, your skin is dry. Dry skin means your skin lacks oil and your sebaceous glands are on the small side. What is confusing is that environmental factors such as sweat, makeup and oxidized sunscreen can masquerade as nighttime oil. Your skin will be happiest using a creamy or milky cleanser and a heavier moisturizer. My mom and my sister both had dry skin.
5. Sensitive skin: Three criteria determine if you have sensitive skin: a family history of eczema, asthma, or hay fever allergies. You have a tendency toward redness. You blush or burn easily. You are more prone to inflammatory skin conditions like eczema and rosacea. Avoid processed foods and synthetic fragrances in your products. For exfoliation, use gentle resurfacing ingredients like lactic acid enzymes rather than harsh physical scrubs. My daughter Jamie and grandson Jesse have sensitive skin.
6. Once you know your genetic skin type, we can look at environmental factors that influence your skin. Some are inevitable like aging. Others like dehydration are preventable. Dehydrated skin can occur with any genetic skin type. It means a lack of water; you are not getting or retaining enough water, whereas dry skin is a lack of oil. Dehydrated skin is tight, flaky, dry, may burn or itch and can worsen the look of fine lines and wrinkles. It can be caused by medication, the weather, air quality or overuse of exfoliation. Add hydrating ingredients such as hyaluronic acid and drink lots of water.
7. Sensitized skin: External factors like dry winter air or overwashing skin. This is moderate to extreme dehydration and can cause compromised barrier function. Suspend exfoliation and moisturize regularly
8. .Mature skin: sun exposure, fine lines and wrinkles, slowdown in cell turnover, loss of elasticity, hydration, fat volume and collagen. Yup, I’m there. Sunscreen can slow these changes and use of retinol and skincare high in antioxidants, like peptides and Vitamin C.
9. Hyperpigmentation: Dark spots or patches caused by sun damage, hormones, acne scarring which cause pigment producing cells to create abnormal amount of pigment. Gee, I’m there too. Try brightening ingredients like Vitamin C and kojic acid.
10. Hormonal acne: a/k/a adult acne. Thank goodness I am not there anymore. Influenced by hormones, diet and lifestyle. Usually inflammatory cystic acne which comes and goes.
11. As far as what products to choose for your specific skin type, there is a new line of products called Follain that QVC is selling 25% off. There are products for every skin type, and the prices are reasonable. It is part of their clean beauty offerings, and they are relatively inexpensive. For example, Follain Balancing Oil Control Cleanser is $16.50, as well as the Hydrating Cleanser. The face moisturizer and toning mist is $29.81 for the two pieces. You can try the products for quite awhile, and send them back if you are not happy, until January 31, 2021 with their holiday return policy.
12. To help my aging skin, I rely on vitamin c serum every morning under my sunscreen and switch between retinol and hyaluronic acid serum at night under my moisturizer. I just discovered a fairly new line of clean beauty at gopure.com. They have a special deal for under $40.00 you can try the retinol serum, vitamin c serum and hyaluronic acid serum. They have a bundle with the three serums, an eye gel and retinol moisturizer for under $70.00. This is amazing, as clean beauty is usually much more expensive. As you know, I do not receive any compensation for recommending any products. I love doing the research for you all! XO. Penny

“There are so many parts of Ginsburg’s life, career and character for us to learn from and be inspired by. The way she soldiered through the sexism and antisemitism that limited her early employment opportunities. How she balanced early motherhood and her young husband’s cancer diagnosis with acing Harvard Law School. The glorious, egalitarian, passionate partnership she shared with her husband Marty. The pioneering of feminist legal battles. The planks!” Jodi Ruderon

I can’t get Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of my mind ever since her untimely death on the Friday night of Rosh Hashanah, an auspicious time of year to die. She was a true “tsadik” which is a saintly or righteous person according to Jewish faith. A tsadik is kind of a spiritual superhero who does what is correct and just. Some say she had superhuman abilities to make the world a better place, while being the most human of humans.

Okay. You are nervous that I will now talk about her current potential replacement and espouse my views about a woman’s right to choose, court packing and dismantling the Affordable Care Act. Relax, I have no such plans. We all see enough of that on the media and I avoid talking politics in my blog posts. Whew, I am glad that is out of the way.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg made me think of my law school days. No, I am not comparing myself to Justice Ginsburg. Our only similarities are our birthplace in Brooklyn and our religion. I have been reflecting on why I went to law school in the first place and the entire experience.

Like Justice Ginsburg, I went to law school to change the world. Well, not exactly. I believe I attended law school at age 36 (with an 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son) for the following reasons:

1. I was a paralegal at the time and enjoyed being called “counselor” when I dropped off documents at the courthouse. How shallow, how dumb, how expensive, how un-Ginsburg-like.
2. To please my dad–I think that’s why I married my ex–I see a pattern here.
3. I loved the show LA Law which romanticized lawyering.
4. I felt strongly about immigrants and wanted to improve their lives–true!

Someone asked me recently if I enjoyed law school. It’s not really something to enjoy, especially when you have a family that still expected dinner on the table and your attendance at their baseball games. I remember sitting in the bleachers watching games, nervously looking at my watch, thinking about all the cases waiting to be briefed later that night–pressure!

Remember the movie and tv show “The Paper Chase”, where Harvard law students were put on the hot seat and questioned unmercifully by mean Professor Kingsfield in front of the class, in order to prepare them for unforgiving judges.

Well, guess who was one of the targets of this behavior on the part of Professor Weinstein in Torts, first semester of first year. You got it–Ms. Bleyer. Weinstein victimized only the older women and many ran out of the class in tears. I, on the other hand, told him to move on after relentless questioning on a case, telling Professor Weinstein that my mind was blank. The professor wrote on the board the following BMS with a circle around it and a cross through it. (Reminiscent of PMS). He stated “Ms. Bleyer has Blank Mind Syndrome”. After I was mortified, he moved on to another female victim. Second semester, I wowed him with my knowledge of master/servant relationship, but I never forgot that experience.

Years two to four were better and I was even chosen for the Constitutional Law Award. Even more important, I met my best friend Livia, the first day of law school and we survived that together and so much more since we graduated and passed the NYS Bar in 1990. That friendship was worth all the stress and worry.

Rest in peace, Justice Ginsburg. I will keep you in my head and heart always and follow your words:

“Fight for the things you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you”. XO Penny

“Forgiveness sets you free. It releases you from the constraints of past wounds. When you forgive, you refuse to let the darkness into your soul. This helps you make space for love.” Margaret Manning

My ex-husband was in NY visiting my children and grandson this past week from Arizona. Those of you who follow my blog know a bit about George from my posts. Not all of it is positive. But I have to admit, I enjoyed spending time with all of them and my children commented on how nice it was for them now that we get along. I never thought that would happen!

Married for thirty-two years and divorced since 2003, I held anger and resentment for too long–about finances, dishonesty and infidelity–you know the drill. I never thought I could let it all go.

But two life events happened that helped me to forgive. We had a grandson in 2010 who we both cherish, and my son’s illness in 2017. George was here when my son was hospitalized during that entire period. We leaned on each other and had a common goal. I forgot about the past hurts and resentment. Life’s calamities will do that to you.

What is forgiveness and why is it so important? Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who have harmed us, even if they don’t deserve it. It’s not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps and often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.

In “Eight Keys to Forgiveness”, the author Robert Enright talks about “becoming forgivingly fit” or building up your forgiving heart muscle slowly incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life. Make a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who have hurt you. (That’s a tough one)! If you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.

Similarly, Dr. Tyler VanderWeele at Harvard School of Public Health advises practicing small acts in everyday life to get more comfortable with forgiveness. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic or is rude, use the moment to recognize it wasn’t directed at you personally and forgive him/her on the spot. This way you can learn to immediately stop negative reactions and feelings that come with it.

Why is it so difficult for some to forgive? Sometimes the negative feelings we hold for others become part of our personal history. We can’t let them go because they are part of us.

Likewise, negative deeds of others can become excuses we use to explain why our lives ended up a certain way. Forgiving others requires us to take responsibility for our own lives again, which can be difficult.

Forgive for your own good. Harboring anger and resentment leads the body to release stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline whenever the offending person comes to mind. A steady stream of those chemicals can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, dampen creativity and problem solving along with physical ailments.

Forgiveness helps us grow as a person as we exercise goodness, increasing self esteem and helps us heal and move on in life with meaning and purpose. In addition to personal benefits, modeling forgiveness for others may lead to intergenerational and even societal improvements. And God knows, we need some of that right now!

Mahatma Gandhi said “the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong”.

From The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone. They let you down. You know they’ve hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you baby, cause life goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside baby….

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but everything changes and my friends seem to scatter. But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if you don’t love me anymore!

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” Maya Angelou

It’s September. The kids are back to school, well sort of. The town swimming pools are closed. Bye Bye summer. It’s almost fall, the season that stirs up our love/hate relationship with change.

Which brings me to a conversation I recently had with a good friend about that very subject–change. This friend is going through a lot now due in part to the economic impact of Covid 19. Sound familiar? Of course it does. My friend asserts that she does not like change and that some people (me) are just better at handling life’s transitions and don’t mind them.

Well, I reminded my friend that change, while an inevitable part of life, is difficult for everyone, but hopefully helps us to learn and grow. I related the fact that after my divorce at age 52, I moved five times in six years, and how burdensome and stressful that experience was. Change does involve risk taking and sometimes mistake making.

By way of example, my twin urged me to sell my condo and move up to Westchester to live with her and her husband Doug. Jill convinced me that I would have a better life in Chappaqua (with more opportunity to meet an eligible, rich guy). I retired from my teaching job (more about that later); sold my condo, put my furniture in storage, and headed north for my new life. I lasted from September to December.

It was a real learning experience complete with anxiety attacks and regrets. I loved my sister and her husband, but that was her life, not mine. I learned that the grass is not always greener as they say and that I was not grateful enough for my own life. I moved back to my condo complex and slept on my friend Debby’s couch for months until I bought my own new place. Lesson learned.

Two positive things resulted, however. I retired from teaching at a time before our district’s contract was to be renegotiated (a fact I was aware of). I was able to take advantage of the then current contract which provided the ability to continue full health insurance benefits for only 7.5% of the cost for life. Lucky me. What a benefit that has been! Second, Jill was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer after I moved back. I was able to spend my sister’s last five months with her and her children and husband. What a blessing!

Once I bought the new condo, I had a better appreciation of the life and friends I had in my own town. Change involves not only risk taking, and mistake making, but also planning and preparation. I made sure to purchase long term care insurance and to find a good financial planner to be able to take care of myself as a single woman and not have to depend on my children.

With regard to my friend’s insistence that some people handle change more easily than others, I brought up the idea of resiliency. What is resiliency and why is it so important? It is the ability to overcome challenges of all kinds–trauma, tragedy, personal crises and plain old everyday life problems and bounce back stronger, wiser and more personally powerful. It is important because this is what we need to manage life’s inevitable difficulties.

While certain factors might make some individuals more resilient than others, it isn’t necessarily a personality trait that only some people possess. On the contrary, resilience involves behaviors, thoughts and actions anyone can learn and develop. Like building a muscle, increasing your resilience takes time and intentionality. Focus on four core components: connection, wellness, healthy thinking and meaning can empower you to withstand and learn from difficult experiences.

1. Build your connections: Don’t isolate yourself; connect with empathetic people.
2. Foster wellness: Taking care of your body with proper nutrition and regular exercise can strengthen your body to adapt to stress and reduce anxiety and depression. Practicing mindfulness (yoga, meditation) can restore hope. Avoid negative outlets like drugs and alcohol to mask your pain.
3. Find purpose: Volunteering and helping others empowers you to grow in resilience.
4. Be proactive: Ask yourself, “what can I do about my problem?” For example, if you are laid off, work on developing your strengths and revising your resume.
5. Move toward your goal: develop realistic goals and do something every day.
6. Embrace healthy thoughts: how you think plays a significant part in how you feel and how resilient you are when faced with obstacles.

Remember, you can’t change the stressful event, but you can change how you respond to it. Accept that change is a part of life. Try to visualize what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear. Have gratitude for what is good in your life and focus on the positive rather than what is lacking. Finally, seek professional help when you need it from a psychologist or social worker.

I love the words of Jodi Piccoult from My Sister’s Keeper with regard to resilience:

“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo–far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance”. Stay strong. XO Penny