Photographs and Memories

Home is a word that resonates deeply. For many people it evokes family, childhood, some of their most vivid memories. It is a word that brings comfort to the soul, that names a place we want to return to, that makes us feel safe, loved and nurtured.

My first cousin Geraldine sent me a card recently with pictures she had found of my mom, dad and sister. She reminisced about the times our two families would spend together during the Jewish holidays. (Her dad and my dad were brothers; she also had a twin sister who predeceased her). Our twin cousins were 8 years older and we loved hanging out with them in Brooklyn. We thought it was so cool that they could walk to the pizza place from their house.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, a holiday I always loved. Every year we would spend Thanksgiving at my sister Jill’s beautiful home. I looked forward to making my stuffing at her house, stringing snap peas together while catching up and drinking Cabernet with The Eagles playing in the background. I can still smell my brother in law Doug’s succulent turkey which he lovingly basted every 15 minutes.

I remember a jumble of emotions the first Thanksgiving after Jill died—anger at being abandoned, guilt for having survived and obliged to do more to preserve our family legacy. My dad died when I was only 36 and my mom in 2014.

There must be millions of other people who are last surviving members of their original family, my brother in law Doug being one. 75% of those age 60 to 64 have lost both of their parents and roughly half of Americans age 50 to 59 according to a study funded by the National Institute on Aging. But as far as I can tell, no one has counted or studied or given a name to people who have lost all their siblings as well. Let’s call them sole family survivors. Research has only been done on those who have lost families in cataclysmic events such as war and the Holocaust.

We’ve got much in common with adult orphans what sociologists have named grownups whose parents are deceased. There is the realization that you are next. There’s a change in identity- no longer anyone’s daughter or sister. When you are the last one left, you are not only grieving the one who died, but saying goodbye to the end of a common heritage and the end of shared memories.

Some sole survivors offer these suggestions for managing the holidays and keeping family memories alive.

Research your family history, hence the popularity of cites like Ancestry.com and 23 and Me. One woman, Elaine Shimberg, dug into her family history and wrote a memoir entitled Growing Up Jewish in Small Town America, including tales of her grandfather and great grandfather who were peddlers in Bulgaria.

Moreover, every year on Thanksgiving, Elaine Shimberg serves a traditional meal on her mother’s old ornate China and silver. And every year she tells her children and grandchildren “this cranberry spoon was Nana’s”. She lost her immediate family members by the time she was 63 and found comfort in the things they left behind. She said everything had a story and her children and grandchildren were going to hear it!

I keep my family memories alive by telling family stories to my grandson. “Tell me the story Nana about Mr. Belcher again”. Mr. Belcher lived across the street from me when I was growing up. He was a drunk (I tell my grandson he loved his beer) and would stand outside by the curb yelling to the people passing by in cars yelling “slow down or I’ll slow you down”. He would stick a hose in the open car window (no air conditioners back then) and wet everyone.

Also I tell silly jokes that my father would tell ( Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.) and tell Jesse secret language and games my sister and I would play.

Other people make memorabilia meaningful. They reframe and restore old photos, create scrapbooks using old letters, tickets, clippings, anything that retells your family’s story. One woman had her fathers ties sewn into a quilt.

This year I will spend Thanksgiving with my brother in law and my sister’s daughters. I will recreate my stuffing, drink Cabernet with my niece Sara and know that my sister (and mom and dad) will be right there with us.

“Photographs and memories, all the love you gave to me. Somehow it just can’t be true. That’s all I’ve left of you”. Jim Croce

Happy Thanksgiving all! Enjoy your family!

Resources

Sole Survivors: Adult Orphans Preserve, Adapt Traditions by Melinda Beck. The Wall Street Journal