Month: October 2019

Find Your Tribe

“Create space in your life for the people who nourish your soul…..And take the time to cultivate new friendships. When your heart is open to others, the universe brings the right people into your life…Margaret Manning. Aging Beautifully cards.

I spoke to one of my best friends in Florida whose husband died almost 2 years ago. She described her loneliness and expressed the feeling that this year was worse than the first year for many reasons. The shock of losing her husband had worn off, as had many of her friends’ willingness to include her in their plans. She was not in a good place and I wish I lived closer to be there for her.

Another good friend had moved in the past year from Indiana to Arizona, leaving behind family and friends and a comfortable life. She lamented “I miss my family desperately. I’m trying to make new friends and life as I know it is now over. What on earth will I do next?

Both of my friends are going through major life transitions which I know and understand all too well. If you are feeling lonely, especially during these life changes, you are not alone. But perhaps loneliness is our mind’s way of telling us to get out there and engage with the world.

But the world is changing for sixty plus year old women. We no longer have the social context we previously enjoyed as a wife, parent or co-worker. As we age, forging new friendships becomes more difficult than it used to be.

Our life experience, happiness and inevitable hardships that come along with it shape the adults we become and affects our ability to develop meaningful relationships.

Despite all these challenges, it is clear that making friends and maintaining worthwhile friendships is essential after sixty: essential for our health and well being.

The good news is having an active social life after sixty is possible, but only if we take matters into our own hands and put ourselves out there. Here are some tips:

Be confident. Confidence is the key in most situations and meeting new people is no different. As adults we often lose that sense of confidence and lack of inhibition that children have in making friends. An article in Psychology Today, entitled “The Essence of Confidence” suggests “once we accept that we are in control and have the power to influence outcomes, such as making new friends, we develop a sense of confidence in ourselves and in what we have to offer others”.

Pursue your hobbies and interests: In doing so, you are sure to attract and meet people with similar interests. Meetup.com is one group trying to offer a platform for people to connect. They promote and advertise the meetup to a target group of people (e.g. beer loving bald men). Sorry, I couldn’t resist! They all meet in a public place to share a hobby or interest.

After my sister died, at my therapist’s suggestion, I joined a French conversation meetup group meeting once a week at a local Panera. It was definitely out of my comfort zone but I pushed myself and met new friends. Subsequently I started my own Spanish conversation and dinner meetup group which still is going strong today with monthly meetings. I met interesting people and greatly improved my language skills.

The Red Hat Society offers a unique friendship club with chapters across the U.S. which organizes meetings and events to help women feel connected and fights aging stereotypes.

Try a new class or activity. Explore the activities available in your community. I recently joined two new book discussion groups at my library, a thriller/mystery group and a historical fiction group. Two women were very interesting and invited me to join them for lunch after the discussion ended. Potential new friends. I previously took a series of tai chi classes offered at the library and my friend met future mah jongg friends and canasta players learning to play at the library. At the morning aqua fit classes at my gym, I have gotten to know many women who could also become potential friends. Many of these women have known each other for a long time, having taken classes together. They still invited me, a newbie, to join them for a post swim bagel!

Volunteering: a great way to use your skills and give back to a cause important to you while meeting new people. The American Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity, for example, focus on teamwork and help build friendships by having volunteers work in groups.

Forging new friendships as older adults is not always easy, but if we face our fears, explore our passions and take a chance on reaching out to others, we can do it!

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin

Blog update: Thank you to my friend and blog follower Kathy who recommended the following wonderful book related to my blog post on ageism. The Gift of Years. Growing Old Gracefully by Joan Chittister. This is why I love all your comments and feedback. Keep them coming. Second update: I adopted an 8 year old Yorkie Dachshund mix rescue and I am smitten!

Resources

You Gotta Have Girlfriends by Suzanne Braun Levine

Making Friends After 60: 6 creative Groups Focused on Creating Community Sixtyandme.com

How to Find Friends and Fight Loneliness After 60 sixty and every.com

Making Friends at 60 Senior Living Blog

“You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair”. Douglas Macarthur

I have been feeling pretty good about aging lately: positive, looking forward to the journey ahead, especially motivated by my Israeli trip with adventure seeking 60 year olds.

Something happened last week that stopped me in my tracks. I had my twice yearly ophthalmologist check-up. (Because I was so nearsighted from the age of three, my optic nerves are large, which could be a precursor to glaucoma). So far so good, but I digress. Now that you are on the edge of your seat, here is what happened.

The millennial assistant was doing the pre-testing for my meeting with the doctor. She was honey this and sweetie that, and finally told me to go sit in the big gray chair and wait for the doctor. I have been going to the eye doctor my entire life and am very familiar with which chair is for the patient. This young woman spoke to me as if I were in kindergarten.

I may have silver hair, but my brain cells are still in tact, thank God. I don’t believe the woman meant any harm or that she was even aware that she was treating me in such a condescending manner, but I was very upset. I wanted to speak to her about it, but didn’t know quite what to say. I left feeling uncomfortable and decided to do some research on this whole ageist thing.

Immediately, I found examples of ageist speech and behaviors that are so common and well meaning that we may not even think much about them, but we should!

Birthday parties featuring black balloons and crepe paper with cards and gifts making fun of age, e.g. you old fart, dirty old man etc.

Commenting “you look good for your age”.

Describing minor forgetfulness as “senior moments”. More about that later…..

Commenting, “you’re still dancing (going to the gym, doing Zumba, wearing leggings). Aren’t you too old for that?

Health care providers and service people patronizing older people. Bingo!

What exactly is ageism? According to the World Health Organization, it is the stereotyping and discrimination against individuals and groups on the basis of their age; it can take many forms including prejudicial attitudes, discriminatory practices or instituting policies and practices that perpetuate these stereotypical beliefs.

Research suggests ageism may be more prevalent than sexism and racism. (Remember that every day 10,000 Americans turn 65 with numbers expected to rise as mortality rates decline).

Today’s society treats older people unfairly, lumping all age 65 and up into a group of old, frail, forgetful and sickly beings separate from the rest of society. Ageism has deeply permeated our culture. This has serious consequences for older people and for society at large.

However,most Americans and even older adults are not aware of ageism. Some older adults even accept that the discrimination they face is a normal part of being in the last stage of living (How terrible!)

Specifically, ageism in health care is adversely affecting our older adults and our society. According to the Journal of General Internal Medicine, one in five older adults experience age discrimination in ways described as follows:

Practitioners belittle gerontology and geriatrics as a profession. Negative thinking about working with this population hinders doctors from practicing in these areas ( why do you want to hear about aches and pains and constipation all day)

Undertreating older patients (it’s normal to be depressed because you are old; lumping all complaints into normal signs of aging) or over medicating is the opposite problem.

Ageist talk in the health care setting.

Lack of communication between doctor and patient. Doctors who engage in “elder speak” which is similar to baby talk with high pitched exaggerated tones and volume. (Talking down to patients assuming all are deaf and stupid). Or speaking to a third party in the room (an adult child, for example) as if the patient is not there. The indignity of it all!

Older adults who have a negative attitude toward aging can affect their health; they may live 7.5 years less than those with positive views. Ageism has been shown to cause cardiovascular stress, lower levels of self efficacy and decreased productivity.

What can we do to combat this type of discrimination. We need to change the focus. Aging should be considered in society as both a personal and shared resource and opportunity. This rethinking would allow us to view older Americans as central rather than marginal participants in our collective life as a nation. One study recommends developing informational tools and ways to help society reframe or change our understanding of the aging process. Changing the way we see aging, eg that developing dementia does not reflect normal aging.

We need to counter the outdated concepts of older people as burdens and acknowledge the wide diversity of experience in this population. We need communication campaigns in the media as a starting point.

For example, publicize the story of Grandma Joy, an 89 year old who visited 29 U.S. national parks with her grandson Brad, and who has no intention of stopping.

Highlight Road Scholar programs which attract travelers who are “lifelong learners typically,over 50 from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds. Students of the world, they are the guests you hope to sit next to at a dinner party. They have led interesting lives because they are interested in everything”.

The people I met on my trip to Israel were active, robust, healthy and inquisitive. There were no complaints about aches and pains or forgetfulness despite the fact that one couple was in their mid eighties. With their walking sticks, they kept up even at the Dead Sea where the weather was 106 degrees.

“So, the next time you find yourself standing in a room wondering what you came in for, do not say “I’m having a senior moment”. Cognitive decline is not a part of getting older. (You are probably experiencing mental overload from trying to juggle too many tasks and not getting enough quality sleep). Words are powerful. Don’t talk yourself into believing your brain is mush. Adopt an ageless and healthy mindset so that you can program your cells to be ageless and healthy too!” Dr. Christiane Northrop, Goddesses Never Age

Resources

www.roadscholar.org

www.seniorliving.org

Dangers of Ageism in Health Care Settings by Dr. Karen Ouchida and Dr. Mark Lam

Goddesses Never Age by Christiane Northrop, M.D.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully you leave something good behind.” Anthony Bourdain

I recently returned from Israel with my best friend. We made lasting memories. We ascended the ancient fortress of Masada and floated in the Dead Sea (the temperature was 106 degrees that day!). We explored the Israel Museum and walked through unique neighborhoods in Jerusalem. We explored thousands of years of history on our journey from the walls of Jerusalem’s Old City to a river cruise on the shores of the Galilee to beautiful beaches and vibrancy of Tel Aviv. We visited a local kibbutz and an army base on the Gaza Strip. It was awesome!

However, the highlights for me were meeting the experts chosen by Road Scholar who each offered his or her unique perspective on issues faced by Israelis both today, in the past and in the future.

We had a beautiful lunch on the patio of an Israeli woman who lived in Jerusalem with her husband, a rabbi and 10 children. She prepared a feast for us with delicious quiches, humus, Home made breads and Israeli salads. She explained that she lived among the Arabs, but that the Israeli children and Arab children attend separate schools and do not play together. Of course, we were upset by this segregation, but this is how each group prefers. The schools teach in Hebrew and Arabic respectively and the children learn about their own culture. At the university level, they come together.

In addition, we met with an Ethiopian Jewish immigrant who described her harrowing journey on foot from Ethiopia to Sudan with her family. Many of her group died en route due to lack of food, water and illness but she and her family were lucky. They made it to Israel and made a wonderful life for themselves. Today she is a grandmother and still works with Ethiopian immigrants, fiercely proud of her country Israel and thankful for the opportunities.

Another interesting speaker was an Arab journalist, who is an Israeli citizen. He offered his rather depressing but honest viewpoint that there is little hope for a lasting peace in the region because the Palestinian leaders are unwilling to negotiate or compromise with the Israelis. 100% or no deal.

I returned home just in time for Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year. Many people had told me that visiting Israel would be life changing. I came home with a renewed sense of Jewish identity and pride in being a part of the Jewish homeland.

After listening to the Rabbi’s words on this new year, I feel a desire to do my part to heal the world or at least my small corner of the world. On this holiday, we are challenged to step up and examine how we interact with the world. I am inspired to take a better look and reflect on the meaning of life. The Rabbi asked of us not only to hear the cries of the oppressed, but to do something about it. It can be as simple as bringing a meal to someone who has lost her husband or helping to feed the hungry at a soup kitchen (my next volunteer project).

The Rabbi also discussed respecting and talking to each other despite having different views. He distinguished between unity and uniformity. Unity is accepting that we may have different views, but can still communicate while uniformity is believing my view is correct and yours is wrong. Both Americans and Israelis/Arabs would do well to attempt this type of dialogue.

Anais Nin said “We travel some of us forever, to seek other places, other lives, other souls.” This sums up our desire to keep learning through experiences, to discover ourselves just as much, if not more than to discover new places.

Resources

www.roadscholar.org

www.expertvagabond.com